Every week starts on Monday, no exceptions. Juice, beans, rice, coffee, oatmeal and, finally, quail eggs with a sprinkle of paprika — breakfast of champions. If you don’t have enough time in your mornings for this well-rounded meal, try substituting with cold pizza or ice cream and Oreo bits for that added oomph you’re looking for to start the day.
Next on the agenda: about 100 one-handed pushups. Of course, you don’t want to neglect any part of your body so ideally you should be switching hands after every pushup, clapping to the tune of Bob Seger’s “Night Moves.”
Keep your nose to the grindstone. Tuesday is the best day to really get after it. No more re-watching your DVD box set of Harry’s Law, that’s a weekend activity.
Buy, sell, cold call, deal, synchronize, perform, negotiate — these words are your power animals each and every Tuesday. Don’t neglect them; accept them in your life and in your heart.
A healthy dose of spirituality is always helpful in a rounded schedule. Here are seven spiritual activities you can participate in on Wednesdays to help break up the week: (1) fishing, (2) bird-watching, (3) hiking, (4) breakdancing, (5) collecting rocks, (6) playing chess, (7) prank calling your neighbours pretending to be a collection agency and threatening to repossess all of their valuables if they don’t smarten up, all the while either breathing heavily or manically laughing at random intervals throughout the conversation.
Back to work, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday! This is one hell of a day to get pumped for. Not only do you have NBC’s must-see-TV lineup (Seinfeld, Cheers and Friends, anyone?), but statistically speaking good things just happen on Thursdays.
Need evidence? Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address on Nov. 19, 1863 — a Thursday. The first men on the moon returned home to Earth on July 24, 1969 — a Thursday. The hugely underrated hit drama Harry’s Law was renewed for a second season on May 12, 2011 — a Thursday.
Consume, as many energy drinks as your heart can handle, Thursday is a day to make things happen.
By gum you did it, you made it through the workweek. Use your Fridays as a reward to your self; designate this day whatever you wish. Pizza day, cheesecake day, gin and tonic day, Michael Jackson impersonation day, wacky traffic laws day, do whatever you want, it’s your day to enjoy!
As an uncertified professional, I would strongly encourage using Saturdays to get in touch with your primal, animal instincts. One great way to do this is to join something called a Human-Wolf Club. These are social groups of well-mannered people who wish to become, if only for one night, some sort of wolf-human hybrid. The process usually involves about 12 members ingesting a special mixture of ginger root, St John’s wort, sage grass and mescaline just before the night of a full moon.
As the mixture takes over each individual transforms into his or her wolf-state. The group will then roam the streets, causing varying levels of chaos and mayhem in what can only be referred to as a bacchanalia of passion and violence. After the inevitable black out, each member of the Human-Wolf Club will wake up the next morning with an inconceivable amount of head pain, forever forced to live with the images of their wolf-state that will surely haunt their dreams.
Today is a day to reminisce about the past, whether it’s past lovers, past achievements, or even just the horrific events of the night before. Take time to recharge your batteries; solve a puzzle or what-have-you. Monday will come soon enough; another episode of Harry’s Law is always on the horizon.
illustration by leanne roed