To the animals, should you ever learn to read

My cat:
Despite what popular society may suggest, the morning time is the most important time of day to sleep. I will love you like a child as long as you don’t wake me up in the morning. Also, we have to stop watching the New Adventures of Old Christine. I don’t know why you like that show so much.

My neighbour’s dog:
I am sorry to say I don’t think you and I will ever get along. Every time you see me you act like we’ve never met before. I just can’t have those kinds of friends in my life.

My friend’s parakeet:
Until you learn more than six words, the answer remains the same. No, you may not join my book club.

You make calming noises and sometimes you have barnacles growing on your back. You are the giant three-toed sloth of the sea, my friend.

You live to be so old. Do you even remember your eighteenth birthday?

Like everything else in the world, you are very cute when you are very small.

What is wrong with you? Not even one ape spoke up and asked “Shouldn’t we preserve the Statue of Liberty, you know, as an important historical artefact?” If you ever had a giant statue of an ape, I guarantee the humans wouldn’t let it just sink into the ocean. Bush-league, apes.

You will always be cooler than toads, which, as we all know, are effing disgusting.

I admire your courage. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Listen, we all like to have a good time now and again but enough is enough. If you won’t stop drinking for your friends please think of your family.

I am terribly afraid of you, but I’ve heard that you’re more afraid of humans than we are of you. In that case, if you ever come near me I will beat you up in front of your girlfriend. It will be very embarrassing for you.

You may have the others fooled, but not me.

Human science has never engineered a device that would allow you to walk forwards and backwards. For that I apologize.

I’ve always liked you. Like President Ike Eisenhower you are both stern and fiscally responsible.

You are the glam rock version of the horse. Even if the others tease you for being different, know that you are superior.

Proboscis monkeys:
You are not real; you are obviously some sort of puppet that escaped from the set of the Dark Crystal movie. Unless you can notify me by mail that I’m wrong, I’m just going to go ahead and tell people to stop believing in you.

Sometimes, it’s like you don’t even care.

Remember, when other animals don’t want to hang out with you, it’s their loss. Your beauty lies beneath the surface. It might also help to stop making yourself invisible.

I will choose to remember our good times over our bad.