How to write a mind-melting review

People generally seem to be comforted when something as huge and senseless as reality is organized into easily manageable categories like “good” and “bad.” It is therefore the social responsibility of every asshole with an opinion to review stuff. This is actually quite easy to do effectively — just follow the “Three C’s!” Yes, University of Manitoba students, not only do C’s get your degrees, but they can also help you write a decent review.

The first “C” is Context. This is kind of a “biography of the work” and a good starting point for your review. Simply connect the work to some broader narrative that seems relevant, dummy. This could be the artist’s life or other work, the time or place it comes from, the genre or fad it encapsulates or any other vaguely associated cultural or social movement. If you find yourself positioning the work within the context of super huge things like “The Human Condition” you are either especially awesome or especially full of shit. Beware.

Content should be the backbone of your review. This is an analysis of the work itself, describing highly literal things like form and structure in highly non-literal ways. Use big-ass metaphors and similes to convey content imaginatively and vividly. For example, “The guitar shreds like a Tyrannosaurus ripping a car in half” or “The drums sound like God’s head exploding.” Remember, your word choices here can convey value judgment.

Critique should actually be used fairly sparingly. That said, a bit of straight up “Does this rule or not?” critique is appropriate to end on. This should be fair and justified, and some solid advice here is to make it personal. How did the work make you feel? Was it effective in evoking some manner of meaningful experience? Did it make you cry? Did it make you want to high-five the moon?

Got it? Great, you are now ready to pen a massively influential review. Hence forth, you will wear your status as a “relevant tastemaker” with a disaffected air of superiority as you glibly dismiss someone’s life’s work with a few key-stroked one-liners. Have fun!