There’s never a genuine reason to give a fuck about celebrities. For the longest time, my celebrity pop culture news only ever came from headlines on covers of glossy gossip magazines at the grocery store checkout. We obsess over the celebrity culture we cultivate by tuning in and consuming scripted reality television like it’s going out of style. There’s almost nothing that shows us anything actually resembling reality.
Except for Internet videos of celebrities fucking.
Just like reality television, celebrity sex tapes expose us to washed-up celebrities and/or up-and-coming socialites seeking fame and fortune. In both cases, they are made with a shoestring budget – not including any legally binding monetary compensation owed to the talent. They’re awful, and yet oddly fascinating at the same time.
Here for your amusement, please enjoy this rundown of some of the more infamous celebrities who
put the “star” in porn star. did “it” on camera. made “pornographic” material. feature in my impending deleted browser search history shared intimate moments with the Internet:
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee
Largely because of how virility worked in the early-Internet days, Pam and Tommy’s boat adventure is arguably the most infamous celebrity sex tape. This thing is still kicking around the Internet, but is nearly unwatchable. The resolution is so grainy, it could very well be mistaken as a video of someone messing around in Minecraft (rule 34 check: Minecraft porn does exist). This one was also special because it featured two celebrities. Anderson’s sex tape with Bret Michaels, the lead singer of Poison, surfaced three years later, but that tape didn’t make the list, because Poison sucks.
I really hate to downplay all of Paris Hilton’s great contributions to the arts and society, but Hilton will be forever remembered as that hotel heiress who somehow got famous for making a sex tape with her boyfriend. Hilton is described as a television personality, businesswoman, fashion designer, model, actress, producer, DJ, author, and singer on her Wikipedia page. Clearly she must be too busy making business deals and writing books to continue partying and stockpiling sex photos and videos in a storage unit. That’s good to hear, because it means we don’t have to see or hear from her on television. Too bad there’s a gaggle of Kardashians to fill the void.
Remember Limp Bizkit? That sucks, me too. Incredibly, we now know that at least one person has agreed to have (recorded) sex with the lead singer of a band called Limp Bizkit. True story about this one: It’s kind of ambiguous whether or not it’s actually Durst through the first couple minutes of the video… until Durst, who’s filming from his point of view, flips the camera around for a tight close up of what I suppose we can assume is the face that Fred Durst always makes when he’s having sex. Sadly absent: his trademark New York Yankees ball cap. Go Red Sox!
Kid Rock/Scott Stapp
It appears that the actual video of this is miraculously untraceable through basic Google searches. Shot in 1999, the video features the two men enjoying the company of some groupies while on tour. Apparently Stapp decided to keep a copy of the tape, which he kept in his possession until 2002, when it was swiped during a house robbery. After Paris Hilton made sex tapes “hot,” the tape was released in an attempt to cash in on that sex tape media buzz. Or something.
Almost didn’t include Screech from Saved by the Bell’s sex tape. In the end I just had to, because it’s called Screeched: Saved by the Smell and features a scene in which Diamond doles out a dirty sanchez.
If you would like to learn more about celebrity sex tapes, you should head down to your local library and look them up on their computers.