DIY — start a secret society

So you want to create a secret society but you aren’t sure where to start? There are many things to consider: the secret handshake, the shadowy meetings and the hors d’oeuvres to serve during the aforementioned shadowy meetings. No need to worry — I’ve created a step-by-step guide on how to form your own secret society. Pro tip: Don’t let people see you reading this, lest they get suspicious.


Step 1: Cool Name

If you want your secret society to be the talk of the town the first thing you will need is a cool name. For examples consider the Skull & Bones, The Illuminati, The Order Of The Bull’s Blood or the Freemasons. All of these names have a sort of pleasing aural quality to them. I recommend avoiding names such as: The Sisterhood of the Traveling _____, The Secret Dudes of Wolseley or The Secret Brothers of Jim’s Basement. A good name should have an element of mystery without being too obvious, which brings me to my next point.

Step 2: Mystique 

No, I don’t mean the venerable blue X-men character or the now defunct Winnipeg nightclub. Your secret society can’t very well take out an ad in the Sunday paper to advertise its existence, your society needs to be a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded by riddles and then dunked into a tank of je ne sais quoi. In order to achieve this I suggest hiring goons to abduct some of the aluminum-hat wearing crowd and then questioning said crowd at length regarding what they know about your organization. Once released these bunker dwelling conspiracy junkies will post stories of their encounters via social media like Tumblr, Facebook, WordPress or — if you live in 2004 — Myspace.


Step 3: Recruitment 

Secret societies are generally more interesting when you aren’t the only one in on the secret. Where will you find the future men and women of your secret organization? I don’t condone picking people at random on Winnipeg Transit, given the unknown nature of their secret keeping abilities. My suggestion is to start with like-minded people, AKA “friends.” Besides, it would be a pretty boring secret society if you couldn’t include your friends, right?


Step 4: Location, Location, Location 

If you want to have a proper secret society you need to strike a delicate balance between inconspicuous and imposing, appealing yet menacing. The most crucial feature is of course a large and spacious foyer. Ideally your location should have gargoyles, large spires and two-metre fences all around the building. If such a location is not available, the basement of your closest neighbourhood Salisbury House will have to do.


Step 5: Purpose

This one is pretty much wide open, you can have your organization perform mysterious back room deals to gain political influence all over the globe or you can have them scour the earth to add to your already astonishing collection of Alf pogs. This is your secret society and you can do with it whatever you like.

And there you have it, your very own secret society in five easy steps. Good luck and remember why you started your secret society in the first place — because the boy scouts wouldn’t take you and your parents wanted you out of the house on Friday nights.