The last temptation of Bowler

Last Wednesday, millions of Christians gave something up in the name of Lent. Some gave up meat, others alcohol — the list is impossibly exhaustive. Arts Editor, Maria Bowler, has decided to give up swearing and the Internet, and I have decided to attempt to foil her.

One might think that this came out of my natural atheist desire to mess with organized religion, but while I must admit that my inner non-believer is a bit tickled at the prospect, I like to think of myself as someone who respects people’s religious beliefs. No, this idea, like so many great ideas, came out of a title.

Bowler and I were sitting in the office, talking about the list of things she was thinking about giving up for Lent, when a title crossed my mind: “The Last Temptation of Bowler.”

Having never seen the movie the title was inspired by, I can’t really claim to have been influenced by the themes, and as a life-long heathen, I’m also not familiar enough with Christian mythology to be able to say that any particular passage of scripture was responsible for my idea — it just sounded funny.

The problem with coming up with a great title is that it nags at you, begging to be used for something, and you ignore it at your peril. The only thing worse the no idea is a great idea that was never used.

So you see, I’m not doing this because I’m a bad person . . . I’m in a serious bind. If I didn’t try to tempt Bowler away from her Lenty sacrifices, I would be letting an idea go to waste — it was probably a Christian who said “waste not, want not,” after all.

If you would like to think about it scientifically, the brain (especially mine, which is taxed by basic arithmetic) is a hugely costly organ to run and maintain. Were I to disregard this idea, so much more than just a thought would be going to waste; the calories from the food, the money used to buy the food, the fuel used to drive the tractor that helped the farmer grow the food . . . not to mention literally decades of education, would all be wasted.

No, I could not sit idly by and not use this title; action was required. For these reasons, I must try to make Maria use the Internet like a preteen and swear like an old man. But I’m not clever enough to do this on my own. I need your help dear readers.

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