Hearts in the Arts

It is one of life’s great pleasures to rank stuff. Anything in the arts especially lends itself to those sorts of subjective, qualitative declarations, and why not? We get real attached to the things we listen to, watch and read. You could even say we “love” them, and we definitely learn things from them. In honour of Valentine’s Day, here are some things the arts have told us about relationships in a series of love-related lists. Do you have any lists to add? We want to read them! Email arts@themanitoban.com with your very own.

Top five songs to put on a mix tape for wooing someone

5 R. Kelly’s discography (Use with care)

4 “If I Was Your Girlfriend” — Prince

3 “Sleep” — Nada Surf

2 “Girl from the sun” — Guided by Voices

1 Something the person likes! Now is the time to feign interest in their interests.

— Maria Bowler, staff

Five less cute songs to put on a mix tape for wooing someone

5 “I Get Around” — Dragonette

4 “Somebody That I Used to Know”
— Elliott Smith

3 “New Partner” — Palace Music

2 “Please Go Away” — The Shirelles

1 “Every Breath You Take” — The Police

— Maria Bowler, staff

Love in the gritty near-future
Top seven love-related deaths from the novels of William Gibson

William Gibson’s books may be populated with rogue AIs, corporate assassins, drug-fueled psychopaths and other near-future lowlives, but there was another, greater danger faced by his characters. Love. Falling in, out of, or having been in love almost certainly sentenced the character, or someone close to them, to an intricately futuristic death. In no particular order, here are my favorite love-related deaths from various works by William Gibson:

1 Poisoned piano wire inserted into brain via ear canal (Mona Lisa Overdrive)

2 Assassinated by cryogenically frozen ninja (Neuromancer)

3 Strangled by genetically modified media operative (Count Zero)

4 Shot by laser wielding thugs following botched RAM deal (Neuromancer)

5 Obliterated in explosion caused by blimp-mounted railgun (Count Zero)

6 Shot with bow and arrow wielded by blind ninja (Neuromancer)

7 Placed on corporate hit-list by lover and counter-operative (New Rose Hotel)

— Martin Turczynowicz, staff

Top five songs to
slow-dance to at a
pre-teen dance in 1999

5 “Angel of Mine” — Monica

4 ”You’re Still the One” — Shania Twain

3 “Have You Ever” — Brandy

2 “Truly Madly Deeply” — Savage Garden

1 “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”
— Aerosmith

— Meredith Holigroski, staff

Top four and a half
“This isn’t what I thought it would be” songs from the West Coast of Canada

1 “My Old Friend” — We Are the City

“My Old Friend” paints a picture of a couple that is slowly falling out with each other by the process of being too familiar. It’s an attempt to rekindle a relationship that apparently goes unanswered as Cayne McKenzie’s “tears turn to time.”

2 “Fighting Against Your Lungs”
— Aidan Knight

When you are fighting against your own lungs, you are in seriously bad shape. This simple song shows a slow and looming heartbreak as she fights her lungs and Aidan his eyelids.

3 “Tina’s Glorious Comeback”
— Dan Mangan

First of all, selling your soul to Satan is never a good idea. Neither is being ambitious when giving up. But if that is all you have going for ya, then I guess it has got to come to an end. “We’re not us anymore” is another way of saying goodbye.

4 “The Real Of It” — Said the Whale

Perhaps the saddest song on this list of particularly sad songs. This opening line captures what everyone is thinking around this time of year: “I think about you all the time.”

4 1/2 “Bang Bang You’re Dead”
— Hannah Georgas

This one is fairly straightforward. (P.S. Don’t cross Hannah)

— Jordan Michalski, staff

Top five favourite break-up tinged albums from the last five years

5 Kanye West —
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

4 Fiona Apple — Extraordinary Machine

3 Joanna Newsom — Have One On Me

2 Mountain Goats — Get Lonely

1 Bill Callahan —
Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle

— Maria Bowler, staff

Five things Bukowski taught us about love

Charles Bukowski was an American poet, novelist and writer. He loved booze, women and horse races. He died in California, in 1994. His epitaph reads “Don’t Try.”

5 “beware the average man the average woman / beware their love, their love is average seeks average” — the genius of the crowd

4 “Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.” — Women

3 “when God created love He didn’t help most” — yes yes

2 “There are worse things than being alone.” — oh yes

1 “love is a dog from hell” — love is a dog from hell

— Sheldon Birnie, staff

Five best sci-fi couples that never were

5 Six and Gaius Baltar (Battlestar Galactica)

Although technically this couple did get “together,” fans of Battlestar Galactica (Ronald D. Moore’s iteration) know that, throughout the entirety of the series, Six and Baltar’s relationship is constantly in flux and rarely “real.”

4 Julian Bashir and Jadzia Dax (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)

It’s hard for any guy to not feel for Julien Bashir: the poor man is madly in love with a coworker and tries his hardest for years to work up the courage to tell her, only to see Jadzia swept off her feet by a smelly Klingon. Sure he got Ezri in the end, but she was more of a consolation prize.

3 Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds and Inara Serra (Firefly/Serenity)

He was a smuggler and pirate, she was a high-priced escort, and although they fought like cats and dogs, you could be forgiven for thinking there was something between them. Would their stubbornness ever let them be together? No.

2 Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa (Star Wars)

Ok, yes I know they were brother and sister (spoiler alert?), but come on. Weren’t you rooting for them up until Return of the Jedi? When Leia kissed Luke after he came out of the bacta tank, didn’t you feel a surge of elation when you realized that maybe, for once, the pretty girl would go for the nice guy rather than the scoundrel?

1 Jean Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher (Star Trek: the Next Generation)

If you have the dedication, I strongly recommend watching all seven seasons of this epic show in quick succession. As the show progresses, you begin to feel almost certain that something is afoot. “Did Crusher go to the Captain’s quarters for breakfast, or was she there from the night previous?” But alas, the status of their relationship is made quite clear in season six. I guess we’ll never find out if Picard says “engage” in the bedroom.

— Leif Larsen, staff

Five things written on those chalky candy hearts

1 Cutie Pie

2 Special Friend

3 Hugs

4 So lovely

5 I don’t know, special friend? Is that honestly how you described me to your co-workers? I feel like I’m more emotionally invested in this relationship than you are.

— Ryan Harby, staff