Like every young, super-fabulous lady in our city, I like certain things: shopping ‘til I drop, celebs, Apple-berry-tinis™, and the glossy women’s magazines they sell at the drugstore where I get my spray tan and lavendar Uggs™ protection spray. I need these mags, as I rely on them to reflect my sexy, urban lifestyle. Still, as I lie here on my bed littered with shoe-shaped cushions, I can’t help but wonder. Why won’t these publications speak to me on my level?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve strutted outdoors on a sizzling summer day and thought, “It’s a new season and I’m totes dressed to impress, but what in holy hell are the hot new beauty trends?” It totally nagged at me. I couldn’t sleep; I could hardly touch my low-fat turkey wrap. I just stared at my make-up trunk, feeling lost. Is the essential shade aubergine or plum? I still don’t even know, as there was nowhere to turn.
I mean seriously, you call these “10 tips for a smokin’ spring fling?” They were barely suggestions. When we girls go hunt for a short-term, seasonal relationship, we need answers, not “tips.” Am I right ladies?!
Take the other day for example. My BFFs and I were chilling in the latest hot-spot when we spied some cuties over at the next table. Naturally, we were desperate to catch their eye, seeing as one of their watches looked pretty expensive. I personally did everything I could, from dragging an ice cube over my chest and moaning audibly to some very loud coughing. I also had a cool conversation on my Blackberry Razer™ with “my friend Jessica Alba” because that way I could look busy, important and attractive by association (guys like her, right?). We talked about my regular yoga class — I’m so flexible!
Maybe they thought I was sick because of all the coughing. Those things just didn’t do the trick. It’s since become clear that we needed some decoding for what those guys were really thinking, be it about my hot pants or the sizzle-factor of my body language. This would ideally come in the form of a list, or preferably, lots of them! The super-sad truth is, my female-focused reading has completely failed me. My friends and I are totally adrift with only articles like, “You cannot trick someone into liking you!” or “This product may marginally help your skin in the long term.” It’s like they don’t get me.
Look, there are some days when every girl asks herself, “What would Jessica Simpson do?” But is that what I can find when I leaf through my fave mag? Of course not. Instead I get some 7-page piece (with no pictures) about Emma Thompson and her thoughts on the direction of Britain’s Labour Party. It’s enough to make you want to purge. Again.
I’ll admit it, I do not always know how to rock turquoise. Especially in the winter! And when I finally did lure a mega-babe back to my place, I just stood there. I had no effin’ clue what to do with my hands, until I remembered my friend Lindsay told me guys are into it when you touch their knee (oh Lindsay — she’s so the Samantha of our crew). Fortunately I was wearing my Salacious Salmon Lip-Plumping Serum™ with the Beglizzle Mascarasplosion™ so when I started mumbling from chapter 12 of Twilight: Eclipse, he may have been simply lost in my dreamy lashes and uber-juicy lips. Let’s just say that’s what happened (wink wink!). Maybe other girls have this natural know-how, but the headlines that suggest, “Once or twice a week is plenty!” and “Just use common sense!” are ultra-confusing.
It was today when I was reading, “Are your BFFs backstabbing you? No, they’re probably not,” when I realized I am done with these women’s mags; they’re total disasters! I was also thinking I should maybe get my handwriting analyzed. My horoscope says I’m radiating charisma today, so maybe I should wear a tank-top in the freezer aisle at the local grocery? Would someone just please tell me what to do?