Gallagher Green, an introduction


My name is Gallagher Green and I am a university student. Before I continue, everybody always asks me if my real name is actually Gallagher and I assure you that it is. My understanding is that my parents had quite an argument over what to name me when I was born. It was my mother’s doing.

I think she said it was because she had a crush on Peter Gallagher way back in the day. On second thought, maybe that was Liam Gallagher. Or was it just Gallagher? You know, the watermelon guy? Come to think of it, I may just be thinking of an episode of that show Mission Hill and I have in fact completely forgotten the story behind it.

In conclusion, not to sound like an eighth-grade essay, my name is Gallagher Green and I am a university student. Right now I am having a total ball applying for student loans online.

I had it all planned out. I woke at the crack of dawn (aka, around 6 a.m.) and timed it so I would arrive at the Financial Aid office in University Centre right when it was to open, that way I would not have to stand in line. It would have been perfect!

To give you an impression of the scope of this, I had never previously awakened before 11 a.m. since I was in junior high. In fact, it was only last year that I was reminded of these early hours when I pulled several all-nighters consecutively to pass my microbiology course.

At that time, I vowed never to see those ungodly hours again. But apparently rules, uh, or in this case vows, are made to be broken! Married folks, do not read too far into that one.

Anyways, I woke up at ass-crack o’ clock and arrived sharply at the Financial Aid office just in time to see the lady unlock the door and walk in. I walked in, trying to contain my excitement for having skipped past the lines.

“I would like to apply for student loans,” I said with perhaps a little too much enthusiasm, given the future debt load that I would be incurring and what not.

She smiled and then commenced giving me a speech about the merits of doing the application online rather than going through the office. I must say that from the tone of her voice, it sounded like she had said the same exact thing in the same exact wording probably about ten thousand times before.

As I turned to leave, I noticed that she started typing something on her computer. “Oh, does Cosmo have an online edition now?” I thought angrily. “Please your non-existent boyfriend in 12 new ways, eh?”

I struggled to understand the point of that office to begin with. I could not comprehend what that woman’s job description must have been. Automaton came to mind. Unionized and salaried human sign also seemed appropriate.

So after a while of grumbling and self-pity — and a few more hours of sleep — I went on a very satisfying Tim’s run and then I finally went to the website she had mentioned to started the application process. That was two hours ago and I am still doing it as I write. I can swear that the wait between pages is increasing every time.

To pass the time, I eventually decided to write this little journal. That is where I am right now. I will keep you informed as to how everything goes on that front.

In the meantime, I guess I should probably tell you more about myself.

You have already heard the tale of my name, but you know do not know a lot about the guy behind the name. In short, I live in life’s little grey areas.

People find me difficult to categorize. If ever there is an exception to a rule, I will likely find it. If ever there is a case that applies to nine out of ten people, Gallagher Green is usually that one guy.

It does not come from a want for attention or a need to be different, I just value my individuality and it usually singles me out. That or it is just a giant coincidence that borders on massive government conspiracy.

Oh, the site just loaded and I need to enter my banking information! Mmmkay, the bank transit number is . . . I . . . I guess I should not type that in here.

If you really must know, like most students I have no money. You really don’t need to look at my finances because it should be enough for you to know that I have no money under any circumstances. If beer or the Bombers are involved, mind you, I may just have a few bucks to spare, hahaha. East Side rocks, by the way. Same goes for Section S. That is all.

Anyways, what was I saying? Oh, right, I was just telling you a bit more about myself. To give you a few examples of how I am usually an exception, I both play and watch football and hockey but I also play piano and I am interested in arts and culture. This is surprisingly uncommon, from what I have seen anyways.

I absolutely love Star Wars but not as much as I love Star Trek and I do not have a mushroom cut, go to sci-fi conventions or wear a unitard. To school, that is.

I actively seek out and listen to conspiracy theories. I sometimes reflect on a lot of the stuff I hear and consider that it could actually be true, but I do not go around wearing wire coat hangers, aluminum foil and hoarding chupacabra repellent.

And finally, I think that they should legalize marijuana but I am not a pot smoker myself. Not because I really have anything against it, but because I have terrible asthma.

Zounds! The final page has loaded for my loan application! Just a few more things and I will be done with this whole ordeal for the day . . . DONE!
Well, that was fun.

You know, I have actually rather enjoyed this whole journal thing. I may just have to keep this up the next time that I have something important yet boring to do, instead of playing Mario’s Tennis for Nintendo 64 — great game, by the way. Well, I am going to go now and it may or may not be to play Mario’s Tennis. Have a good one, folks!