Films. 2010. Damn.

Test

Hey there, Know-It-All. What’s better than knowing it all? The answer (which you know, of course) is “nothing.” There is nothing better than being the biggest, baddest brain in the room. Nothing better than absolutely ruling office “water cooler chat” — blowing the minds of Todd from accounting and Bobby John from HR — with your total knowledge of all the latest cinema releases. Indeed, you know every hot flick, every plot twist, every “second unit director of photography,” every reason “the book is better than the movie,” every every. But most of all, you know that they know that you know everything — every goddamn thing — about every movie ever.

But you knew that. So here’s something you might not know: it’s 2010. Which means a whole new year of new films to know-it-all about. But why wait until these films are actually released to begin unfurling your massive opinions about them? Read this 2010 film preview article, and you can begin to know everything about movies that — damn — aren’t even out yet. Not only will it appear that you “know everything,” but now it will seem like you know things that “aren’t even possible to know yet.” So get ready to know more — and know harder — than ever before.

Ang Tanging Ina 3: Are You an OFW? directed by Wenn de Ramas

This ultra-hyped production by Manila hit-making machine Star Cinema is set to blow up big in 2010. The film, which follows Ai-Ai de las Alas’s Ina Montecilio character’s continuing adventures in raising her 12 children — Juan, Tudis, Tri, Por, Pip, Six, Seven, Cate, Shammy, Ten-Ten, Connie and Sweet — after her husband falls to his death from an overpass, is sure to find “box office gold” “this summer” at a “theatre near you.” Yes, you can be sure that de las Alas’ mother character will produce countless pop culture memes and catchphrases, all with the weary ease in which she pumps out her descendents.

To stay one step ahead of everyone else you need to start wikipediaing the shit out of Ang Tanging Ina 3: Are You an OFW? right now. Be prepared so that, when the film does blow up, when the unwashed masses converge like frantic insects upon the multiplexes, you will be able to gaze with disaffection from your high throne of knowledge and announce, with cool dismissiveness, that you’ve been “all over that shit” since “like, forever.”

Pugot ang Ulo ng Ina Mo directed by Wenn de Ramas

By this time next year Pugot ang Ulo ng Ina Mo star Melisa Canteveros will undoubtedly grace the cover of every Maxim magazine. As such, it should be your sole purpose in life right now to be into her before anyone else is, your purpose to announce loudly — the next time you and the office boys from IT are downing some “brews” at Earl’s — that you would most certainly “tap that” and/or “tear that up” and/or “give that ass a proper burial.” Indeed, as you know, if there is one thing that surely impresses more than your barely checked genius, it is your barely checked aggro-sexual misogyny.

Wapakman directed by Topel Lee

Do people around you avoid all eye contact and/or conversation? Don’t worry, they’ve only been rendered mute by the sheer impress of your knowledge. Is most peoples’ characteristic mode around you best described as “bewilderment?” Fear not, they’ve simply been battered and seduced by your huge, aching intellect. But a sombre word of warning: your days as “the guy who knows everything and is so extremely impressive for it” will be at an end the day you decide not to see Wapakman. Yes, miss this film, and those fears that underwrite your very existence, those spiders that scrape across your mind in darkened hours, will be made manifest. You will be found out. You will be exposed. Your intellectual fraudulence will be on naked display and they will laugh, and laugh, and your voice will go high in the midst of it all, and your screams will seem oddly detached from your gaping mouth, and they will see that you are not a person, not even a thing amongst things, but an absolute nothing, pitiless, untouched by human experience, uninhabited by anyone or anything that could ever be considered real.

To avoid this, go see Wapakman, in which boxing champion Manny Pacquiao fistfights a giant crab.