As you are probably aware, the ever-unlucky occasion known as Friday the 13th is coming up soon. This day has often been a cause for superstition and fear throughout history and cinema. Stories of serial killings and hauntings tend to circulate around this day. That is why I have conducted a guide in order for you to be protected. There is absolutely no reason to feel unsafe as long as these simple rules and tips are followed:
- Serial killers are not to be confused with cereal killers who only assassinate members of the breakfast club. You are not safe just because your name isn’t Tony, Lucky, Sam, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Crunch or John Bender.
- Serial killers tend to target scantily clad, white, teenage suburbanites who actually look to be in their mid-20s. Wear plenty of clothing.
- Stay away from places with pleasant, ordinary-sounding names like “Crystal Lake” or “Elm Street.”
- Serial killers like to watch for a while as you “fool around” with your girlfriend and then strike. No, he will not wait until you are finished.
- Keep under constant watch all objects that can be used as weapons. Killers tend to use machetes, axes, claw hammers, hunting knives, arrows, chainsaws or basically anything that doesn’t use bullets.
- Avoid urban-legend-like scenarios and/or situations that could lead you to be associated with a future serial killer.
- Safety is in numbers. If one of your friends leaves the room and that was, like, a while ago, your friend is probably murdered.
- Avoid family members of a serial killer. They are prone to possession and other means of evil manipulation.
- Serial killers do not discriminate. You are a potential target if you are black, white, physically handicapped or wear glasses.
- Do not mock the idea of a serial killer, supernatural or otherwise. That just puts you further up on the list.
- In regards to No. 10, you want to stay as far down the list as possible. If you are the last person alive, you just may find a way to beat the bad guy at his own game and survive the night.
- In regards to No. 11, just because you survive the night, does not mean you are entirely safe yet. This isn’t like Scooby-Doo. It is recommended you leave the aforementioned area (see No. 3) as soon as possible.
- Avoid the use of the number 13 whenever possible on Friday the 13th.
Those are the rules I have concocted that will, hopefully, keep you safe on many a dark and spooky night. I hope you will feel better about being alone on a Friday the 13th knowing that you have done all you could to prevent yourself being the result of a masked madman’s wrath. Watch your step and have a nice. Happy Friday the 13th.