The best Halloween treat? Are you serious? Come on now, kids. Is there nothing more serious you would like to debate over? How have I been dragged into this?
Well, okay. If you’d really like to get my input, just scrap the candy forever. No candy, not for you and not for anybody.
“But it’s Halloween,” I can hear you moaning from behind your stupid masks. Jesus, we’re adults; stop dressing up like idiots and focus. Listen: according to the Institute of Tropical Agriculture, the chocolate industry gets around 70 per cent of its cocoa from West African farmers. The annual incomes of farmers in the region? Somewhere between $30 and $110 per household member. So as you go trick-or-treating this year kiddo, just remember that each morsel of non-Fair trade candy that gets dropped into your pillowcase roughly equals a day of hard labour for someone on the other side of the globe. Spooky!
Furthermore — and by the way, don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Look at you. Pathetic. Furthermore, a bunch of your little treats have been sweetened with high fructose corn syrup, made from corn. So, while we plunge into a global food crisis, you munch away on yummy candy corn. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, every one of you. Perhaps if there weren’t such a market for sweet snacks, there wouldn’t be millions who are unable to afford such staples as wheat, rice and corn.
You make me sick. Disgusting, selfish cretins, that’s what you people are. Millions are dying all over the world because of you. That’s a lot of spooky ghosts!
Happy Halloween, losers.