Hear ye, hear ye! By order of His Majesty Prince Charming, whosoever hast lost a glass slipper must report to the royal guard immediately. The slipper was found late last evening after the semi-biannual royal ball by the prince himself and wishes it to be returned to its rightful owner.
The slipper seemeth to belong to a young woman of fair hair and complexion. Whosoever this slipper of glass belongst, shall meet with the prince for reasons unexplained to us.
I mean come on! Just come down here and prove your scrawny little foot fits into this tiny thing. I mean it looks to be a size, what, two, 2 1/2? This task doesn’t need to be so bloody hard. How many people wear glass slippers? Honestly. Just come down and claim it for Pete’s sake, our prince needs a girl. Unless, of course, you can’t walk down here on your own with your tiny little feet. Then what were you doing at a ball, you idiot? Who could possibly wear glass slippers anyways? Is this a joke? I thought it was a bloody hood ornament the first time I saw it for crying out loud. My wife has one just like it on her mantelpiece! My bloody grandmother wears one as a bloody brooch for Pete’s sake! They don’t wear them on their feet though. It would right well shatter, it would!
Why are we to assume this thing was even worn as footwear at the ball? This broad must be, I don’t know, four feet tall and weighing 20 pounds. Why don’t we just call up the town glass blower then? Just ask him, “Hey, have you sold some glass shoes to any pixie-foot ladies recently?” Or did a magic godmother fly down and pull a pair out of thin air like some sort of fairy or something? That would explain a lot wouldn’t it? And why does the prince want this girl found, eh? He probably wants to marry her or something, the poor sap. Have any of you peasants seen the prince? He’s a bloody stud.
A girl this size is literally in wayeth over her head. Intercourse between the two of them would be bloody physically impossible! So, Teeny Meeny, if you’re out there, just bring your petite carcass down here and claim the slipper already. Or do you want us to go door-to-door throughout the whole bloody kingdom looking for you? Perhaps we’ll just give it away to the first inch-long footed girl we find who won’t break the stupid thing trying to stand up. Maybe that’s just what we’ll do because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it’s a pretty bloody big kingdom out there. Surely someone out there fits this stupid thing! Are you some sort of slave to your stepmother (who are always jealous by the way) and she locks you into the pantry for no particular reason? Well then get your rat-friends in there to help you out, I’m sure they won’t mind. As ridiculous as that sounds, could someone please come out here and fetcheth this bloody shoe so I can go home? For crying out loud! Does anyone fit that description? Surely someone has to.
Our search through the kingdom commences. Any woman who fits the above description must speaketh with the authorities at once (make both our jobs easier). We will be trying the slipper of glass on every single bloo—uhh lady who steps forth until the correct fit is found (because, you know, it could only possibly fit one woman). Of course, this would be a whole lot faster if thou wouldst just come out with it. Or maybe Prince Charming should get-eth off his arse-eth and identify the girl himself and to heck with the shoe! The search will continue until a suitable match is found. So please come and get it.