Well hello again, dimensional ignoramus. I honestly didn’t expect to see you again after that last lesson; it was a doozy. Well, do not get overly cozy, you of hairy openings; this one’s going to cut even deeper. We shall learn about the fifth dimension.

Imagine a world without colours, without sounds, without poems, songs and stickers, and without left or right. There, you have just imagined your world as it appears to me.

Make a sandwich. Now take out all the roast beef, all the mustard, all the mayo and all the cheese — you might as well toss both slices of bread while you’re at it. There! You have managed to very clearly illustrate your level of understanding about the universe that we live in. Very well done. Good for you!

Those are a couple of the very few exercises that we can attempt together that will give you any practical knowledge of your universe from now on. I’ll do my best, of course, to explain the

n ≥ 5 dimensions, though I hold no hopes that you might grasp even the simplest of relevant concepts.

Well, the fifth . . . The fifth, the fifth, the fifth. It’s really quite simple if you’ll just listen. Take what knowledge you’ve learned of the fourth and apply it onto the fifth — just one more dimension.

Sadly, this illustrates one big problem with your human thought process: you make assumptions and then make more assumptions on top of them. Think of it this way: every little experiment you do for science has a broader historical context. For example, if you were to try your hand at astrophysics, your experiments would all have, somewhere down their root, Max Planck’s quantum mechanical theories upon which Einstein based his hypothesis that light is made up of lots of little bits, which Gilbert Lewis then grabbed and gave the name “photons.” Lewis’ theories were never accepted, but that doesn’t stop you from believing light is made up of itty-bitty photons. And all of this “science” could easily be traced all the way back to an apple dropping onto the head of one of you simians named Newton, if that even actually happened.

You humans, always with the drama — you could get so much more accomplished without it all. Even so, I would shave my beak for a chance to have some slight discourse with my own kind. Damn it, you and your larynx! Such a waste . . .

If we accepted some of the assumptions made in the past about the fifth dimension, that it is the probability space of our universe for example, we would confuse the issue so much to obscure it completely. Imagine it, probability space! What a hoot!

There’s one of you baboons, Gerard ‘t Hooft, hoo, who decided one day, off the top of his head I can only assume, that the fifth spatial dimension is the fabric of space-time. Just imagine! To concentrate space-time into a single trivial dimension! It’s absurd. He believes that since a hologram appears to be 3-D, we can somehow “see” the fourth dimension as curvatures made by the trajectory of teeny-weeny particles. His guess was that since the curvature of said particle exists within space and over time (he assumes that this is four dimensions), we can surmise that the fifth dimension is actually spacetime, because what else could it be. If a hologram uses two dimensions to create the illusion of a third, then these particles, using “four” dimensions, create the illusion of this supposed fifth. Give me a break, ‘t Hooft.

The problem with you humans is that you could never comprehend this stuff. No matter how much experimentation you try your hand at, no matter how many theories and equations you attempt to whip up and solve, you’ll never actually understand any of this stuff. You are not equipped to comprehend it. Your brains are too mundane.

Equipped . . . Hoo. It’s funny really. I could sit here all day looking at five dimensional objects and thinking up different ways to explain them, but they’ll never end up helping you. You’re not equipped. And we owls, we arn’t equipped to speak to one another. My sweet, lovely Edna; that she could one day learn a single precious word besides “hoo.”