Vandals and thieves of the Enchanted Forest should watch their backs; there is new competition in town. Police officials responded to a call from the Bear family, who reported a break-in by a golden-haired, Caucasian female, fleeing the scene of the family’s nearly demolished home.
The incident happened just yesterday at the Bears’ cave not too far south of Grandma’s house in the Enchanted Forest in a land far, far, away. The Bridge Troll confirmed that he saw a young girl, Goldilocks by name, wandering through the woods towards the Bears’ cave. Crime scene investigators have determined through DNA analysis that when Goldilocks reached the cave, she moved first to eat the Bears’ breakfast of porridge that they had left to cool while they went for a walk. Goldilocks seemed to have preferred the youngest Bear’s porridge, it being the only one to have been completely eaten. The suspect then moved about the house in a rampage, messing furniture and breaking chairs. She was discovered when the Bears came home early to find her passed out in Baby Bear’s bed. Police are saying that alcohol was not a factor.
One officer comments, “She was fully aware of her actions, and knew of the crimes she had committed. Why else would she flee the scene?”
Why indeed? It would appear that the suspect had a personal vendetta against the youngest Bear family member, Baby Bear. His was the porridge fully eaten, his favorite chair was broken to pieces, and she was found sleeping in his bed. The source of this personal hatred is still under investigation.
Goldilocks fit the Bears’ description of a white female about 5’2” with long golden locks of hair. She was found this morning by police officials at the hideout of the notorious criminal known only as Red Riding Hood, who has been known to bootleg cookies across the forest and assassinate wolves. When the Police interrogated Goldilocks, the only thing she had to say in her defense was “I was hungry and sleepy.” She is currently under psychiatric evaluation. Goldilocks has been charged with breaking and entering, robbery of porridge, vandalism, leaving the scene of a crime, and bed theft, which will earn her a penalty of 75 years in prison or working bridge tolls. Her trial will be tomorrow at 1 p.m..