What had started out as a celebration of beauty, turned into a day of distress and contempt. A beauty contest gone wrong turns into an almost full-out lawsuit and epidemic. The tragic story told in full for you here.
Yesterday, the semi-biannual “Fairest in the Land” pageant of a kingdom far, far away was held. All started out well. The reigning champion, Queen Evil-White, was all set to receive her 45th consecutive award. All seemed well and good when the most unforeseen outcome was announced. The esteemed beauty judge and expert fortuneteller Magic Mirror announced that his decision was final and absolute. There was no denying it; the usually inanimate object of reflection says that the reigning fairest is no longer fair enough.
The title of fairest instead went to the queen’s much younger stepdaughter, Snow White. There had apparently been some tension between the two finalists since the tragic death of King White — who recently had remarried to Miss Evil — in an unfortunate accident involving hitting his own head on a candlestick and falling on a knife after ingesting poison. In his last moments he apparently dragged his own body across the grounds and accidentally fell into a six-foot hole, which then collapsed on him. He will be remembered.
After Mirror announced his verdict, there was a moment of shock before the queen went mad with rage. The announcement might have been misheard due to the fact that, at that very moment, the Engineering Faculty band came charging through. Either way, chaos soon ensued. The queen soon made an argument that the rules should be revised for being unclear on the correct definition of “fair.” Everyone was under the impression that “fair” meant beauty and grace, but it could also be referring to skin tone. In that case, a woman with the fitting and very descriptive name of “Snow White” would surely fit the correct qualifications. Arguments were also made concerning the definition of “land.” Just how broad of an area does this imply? It would be unfair to assume that “the land” only refers to the land owned by the late king. That would only be including the two aforementioned ladies who live in the same castle. Snow is considering getting her own place in the forest.
The rules are still under debate, but any way it goes, this whole contest seems pretty unfair.
There has been a recent recall in far, far away apples. Reports have confirmed that apples have been found containing a rare synthetic strain of H2-N2 virus. The situation might be contained, but citizens are warned to protect themselves as necessary. Infected apples may appear bright red and perfect beyond description. Should you see and feel strangely attracted to one of these apples being sold by your local old hag, do not eat it. It may contain H2-N2. If you have contracted the virus, you may display symptoms of an unbreakable sleep for all eternity. If you have been infected you must be treated with crystal casket therapy. An antidote is in development that must be applied orally.