Schoolhouse Rock #53

Semicolon soul

Ben Poggemiller, Staff

While poring over the Schoolhouse Rock archives, I uncovered this lost, unaired song about the uses of the elusive semicolon. I have yet to determine why this clip has never aired on Saturday mornings. It contains content no more questionable than the “ancient mystic trinity” in “Three is a Magic Number,” the cigar-smoking fat cat who physically abuses a mouse in “Naughty Number Nine,” or the prince “who had better be rich” with 12 twelve wives in “I Got Six.” Schoolhouse Rock possessed an unprecedented educational value coupled with incredible songwriting. Here is the lost Schoolhouse Rock entitled “Semicolon Soul.” It is being presented in its complete, unedited form; it has not been tampered with in any way.

Schoolhouse Rock intro
As your body grows bigger
Your mind grows flowered
It’s great to learn
Cause knowledge is power!
It’s Schoolhouse Rocky
That chip off the block
Of your favourite schoolhouse
Schoolhouse Rock!

Semicolon soul
(Upbeat funk)

Verse 1
Tom was writing a report for school,
Trying to follow grammatical rules.
He had two thoughts closely related,
And he didn’t know how to keep ’em separated.
He asked Mama,
She said “Comma,”
And he handed in his report the next day.
When he got it back, it was just his luck,
The deadly comma splice had struck.
Chorus
Semicolon would have been nice,
To avoid the comma splice.
When two thoughts are really one,
Semicolon gets it done.

Verse 2
Jill was programming something in C.
She wasn’t worried about her form, you see.
Everything seemed to be going fine,
But she missed an important line.
She compiled,
She was riled.
There was a syntax error in her program.
When her frustration dissipated,
She found two statements weren’t separated.
Chorus
Bridge
It’s not a conjunction.
It’s not a partial large intestine.
It’s a semicolon, baby!
Misuse is the deadliest sin.
It’s not quite a period.
It’s not quite a comma,
But if you use it correctly,
Your life will be free of drama.

Verse 3
(higher key)
Jerry borrowed money from Vinnie,
A vicious gangster who pinched every penny.
Jerry didn’t pay and he got a letter,
But Vinnie’s punctuation could have been better.
Jerry didn’t quiver.
Now he’s in the river.
And Vinnie never got the money he deserved.
He wrote, “What do I think of you not paying your expenses?
I don’t think there will be consequences.”
Chorus
What he should have written was:
“What do I think of you not paying your expenses?
I don’t think; there will be consequences.” (Maybe next time, Vinnie)