Predict the next apocalypse
The world of sports will lead the way
Romer Bautista, Staff
The apocalypse is a scary thought. The majority of us don’t know when it will happen and, because of that, we can’t prepare for what would lie before us.
Thankfully, there is the world of sports to warn us when the inevitable is upon us. There are some things in sports that are so impossible, so inconceivable, that should they ever happen, it would be a clear sign that the end of the world is looming.
The following is a list of such events. If any of these should actually go down, the Manitoban suggests that you begin preparing for the worst.
• One full MLB season passes without the words steroids, HGH, performance-enhancing drugs, juice, or Jose Canseco being mentioned even once.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs cap off a terrific season by not choking in the big one, and win the Stanley Cup.
• When the name Ron Artest is brought up, people talk about the unbelievably talented all-star and not the troubled “thug” that ignited the brawl known as the Malice at the Palace.
• A highly anticipated, overly hyped boxing will actually deliver a memorable bout — one worth the price of admission.
• Sean Avery is awarded the Lady Byng trophy for his sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct.
• Roger Clemens retires from the game of baseball and actually means it.
• Upon serving his sentence for federal dig fighting charges, Michael Vick becomes the national spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
• Madison Square Garden is filled to capacity for a professional basketball game — the New York Liberty against the Phoenix Mercury.
• The two teams playing in the BCS national championship game are announced, and everyone is actually in complete agreement that the winner of the big game would absolutely be the best college team in American.
• One will be able to go a full day without being subjected to poker on television.
• Hao Wang and Lin Ma become household names for being the best in the world at their sport: Ping-Pong.
• A premiere player such as Johan Santana becomes available on the market, and the teams being mentioned in discussions are the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Kansas City Royals.
• Sidney Crosby has a historic, record-setting season, and more than 1,000 people will actually give a damn about it in the United States.
• Terrell Owens scores a touchdown and then does the unthinkable — he simply hands the football off to the referee and jogs off to his team’s sidelines.
• The New York Knicks win their final 12 games and earn a playoff birth, after rallying together as a team when Zach Randolph is hospitalized after cutting in front of Eddy Curry in the buffet line.
• Playboy magazine releases a special issue titled “The Girls of Weightlifting.”
• Yao Ming’s streak for consecutive all-star game starts is snapped when Turkish fans out-vote Chinese fans and get Mehmet Okur voted in as starting centre for the Western Conference.
• The same season that a team inexplicably goes an entire season without a win, another team will march throughout the league and win the Super Bowl with a perfect 19-0 season record.
