Death by rapture!

For no matter how many you call, the chosen are few

Michael Silicz, Staff/Illustrations by Kevin Doole

Do not listen to the crazy, far-fetched ramblings of the other “authors” on this page. My colleagues here seem to think this is all one big hilarious joke. Well, it’s not. When the world does inevitably come to its end, rest assured it will be no laughing matter.

Despite the direness of this issue, no one has addressed the real problem we as humanity will prophetically face, despite knowing about its inevitability for about 2,000 years now. One author on this page has the gall to argue that, like a cheap science-fiction movie, machines will take over the planet and wipe humanity out. Another writer ignorantly makes the ridiculous allegation that Facebook.com, a hip social networking fad popular among 13-year-old girls, will lead to the direct end of our species. And most audacious of all is the view that germs (you know, the things that soap kills) will put an end to the world. Unfortunately for you, me, and our descendants, we can only pray that our world will end so mercifully.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the world isn’t going to end so peacefully. You can read about our foretold end for free, just like the past hundred generations have, in a little book called “the Bible.” Let me explain.

At some point in the indeterminate future, a populist leader will unite all of humanity. However, that’s what he or she wants you to think. In reality, this charismatic leader is actually the “Antichrist.” This is bad.

This Antichrist will then lead us into a false sense of security. Before we know it, nation will take up swords against nation, and deadly battles will ensue. In the end, only the Antichrist’s nation will remain, which will create a single world government. Untold lives will be lost in this process. Ironically, they will be the lucky ones.

The rivers will turn to blood. The moon will turn to a pale red colour. Trials and tribulations will ensue as the seven seals are broken. Death, pestilence, famine, and war will occur, literally and physically, as four men on horses will usher in the apocalypse. Earthquakes will destroy cities. Floods will wipe out civilization. Death will engulf us all.

Luckily though, all won’t be for naught. During this time of Armageddon, Jesus Christ will return for a second coming to lead what few humans are left into the kingdom of God. Only 144,000 of the approximately seven billion souls on the earth will be chosen. The rest of our species will not. That means you.

On behalf of the comment section, have a merry Christmas!