Everything seems to have wrapped itself up — and just in time for Christmas!
Evan Johnson, staff
Most weeks, things in the world aren’t going so well. There’s all manner of strife and misery and whatnot. It’s hard to keep up! You log onto the Net and check your news sites and it’s just a bunch of endless griping; all tasers this and Myanmar that.
But this week, things seem to be running along pretty smoothly. For some reason, everything appears to have cleared itself up! And just in time for Christmastime! How do you even write an editorial when there’s nothing really going on in the world?!
It seems like we’ve all pulled up our socks and dealt with that global warming bug, because it is coooooold out there. Yeesh! All joking placed off to the side, we do seem to be on top of the global warming problem. There are all kinds of international panels and studies, and most polls seem to show that most people are sort of on the same page about it. I wouldn’t be surprised if this very minute there was an intergovernmental panel discussing possibly, one day, committing to an update of an agenda that would plan for a revision of some kind of previously discussed global warming initiative!
Boy oh boy, Mr. Reader, the Jews and the Arabs were having a heck of a time gettin’ along over there in the Middle East; what a disaster! But I haven’t really heard much about it in awhile, so I’m guessing they’ve got it pretty much wrapped up. Which is good, because they both seem like nice people. I bet they improved on the informal Taba agreement of 2001 and finally agreed on an acceptable number of conditional Israeli emergency stations in the Jordan Valley!
And the Russian elections went off without a hitch! They didn’t even need a team of international election observers. There’s a country that knows what it wants! Let’s face it: capitalism works. People really like Putin! One lady I read about in the newspaper said that he’s “a good man. Any woman would love to see him in her house.” Oooooh! Me so horny! Seriously though, President Putin is a capable man, and a great leader. No need to worry about Russia.
And come to think of it, whatever happened to Darfur? You never hear about that place anymore. Looks like all that worrying about it paid off! And it’s about time, too; nobody likes opening the newspaper and having to read about the same thing over and over again. Blechh! It’s depressing. ? I think it’s safe to just forget about it all together. I bet the rebel factions have united (probably under the Eritrea and Uganda-backed Sudanese Liberation Army) and agreed to some kind of provisional negotiations with the African Union and the United Nations, anyway, and that this will force Khartoum and the Janjaweed to pause and take stock, maybe reflect about what they have to be thankful for.
And on the home front, I can’t really think of much to be concerned about. The country seems to be running quite well these days: Aboriginals have reserves just for them and even a television station! And police racism and brutality aren’t really an issue, as far as I understand: I don’t know any aboriginals, let alone ones that police have been racist to! I have to admit I was a little bit worried when I heard about that unarmed man in British Columbia that was shot in the back of the head by an RCMP officer. But the smoke has cleared on that one, so it’s probably safe to stop worrying about that, too.
Other problems, like women’s rights, haven’t really been an issue for many decades now. Similarly, other issues, like class and race stratification or poverty and homelessness, also aren’t really much of a problem.
The only thing I’m kind of uneasy about is that Y2K bug. It was supposed to hit a few years ago now but never really did. I’ve downloaded all the latest updates from the Web, but still, I have a bad feeling about it. No matter. The point is: Christmas is a time for happiness and togetherness, not genocide or being shot in the back of the head by a police officer. This Christmas season, don’t worry about the world: everything seems to be under control.
