Smarties: the everyman’s candy

Do you eat the red ones last?

Chelse Mckee, Staff

Smarties are clearly the better choice. That comes straight from the objective and well informed opinion of the news editor. I make my career in finding the facts and the fact is this; that wonderful little Canadian chocolate gem that we call Smarties is, by far, the greatest thing to happen to the candy industry. They are delicious, bright, and much more enjoyable to eat, while M&Ms are dusty, obese, and murderous. After reading why Smarties are the best, you'll want to thank me for saving you so much time at the candy section deciding between glorious buttons of chocolate or the other crap on the shelves. The choice is obvious, eat the red ones last.

With each package of yummy Smarties, you get 56 grams of heaven, while with M&Ms you’re paying the same for only 48 grams. M&Ms are clearly ripping you off with their giant bag of lies.

Speaking of packaging, what’s with the ripping open of the M&Ms bag? I mean, have they not witnessed the physical comedy of trying to rip open a bag and everything spilling out? Haven’t they? Just another example of the cat-and-mouse game that Mars, the company behind M&Ms, has going with you. The Smarties container, on the other hand, is easy to open and close. They even advertise it on the box, and you can simply “pop ’n’ pour” 'em. It couldn’t be simpler. Nestlé (the Smarties creator) clearly doesn’t want the consumer to eat more than they have to and they’ve built in that option right into every box. Continuing on that thought, judging by the M&M packaging, it’s clear that they want the consumer to get fat! They don’t offer alternative packaging, so the eater, even if they want to stop, must finish off the M&Ms for lack of proper closure options. M&Ms clearly wants the consumer to become grossly obese so that they will feel so low about themselves that they will just keep eating more and more M&Ms.

Another note about the “wonderfulness” of Smarties is that they include games on the back of the boxes. I mean, did M&Ms ever challenge you to play Xs and Os with them? No, they didn’t, because they don’t love you.

Smarties are brighter with their eight wonderful colours, while M&M is only pushing five. Who’s heard of a five-colour rainbow? I’ll tell you who — cults. M&M is obviously trying to subconsciously tell the consumer that there is a limit of colour to their world so that they’ll feel depressed and try to find more colours in an M&M container. Smarties, however, are open and honest about the wonderful colours one can find in this world. Looking into a Smarties box is like looking into a wonderful prism where all the bad things of the day are alleviated. Now onto the inscription on the M&M candy. I mean, they must think you’re an idiot if they have to constantly remind you that you’re eating one half of an M&M. Do they think I didn’t look at the packaging, and that I’ll suddenly read the candy and think, “Oh crap, I thought I was eating a carrot? Boy, I’m silly.” They are clearly making fun of people who cannot read. Smarties understand that you just want to relax and eat your treat that you don’t want to be bogged down by literacy. Smarties are the everyman’s candy. Illiterates and the literate can all enjoy the tasty morsel, while M&M’s will continue to sit on their high horse, mocking the illiterate.

The initials M&M stand for mass murderers. Frankly, I wouldn’t buy “Charlie Manson-Os,” so I won’t buy M&Ms.

Despite numerous speculations, Smarties do have just as much of a variety as M&Ms. They have peanuts, holiday friendship packs, and chocolate bars infused with the candy. So suck on that, Mike Silicz.

There are more ways to eat a Smartie, too. You can crunch it, suck it, or do a combination of both. M&Ms doesn’t give you many options. If you try to suck it, the fragile candy coating just cracks under the pressure and you’re left chewing the chocolate. M&Ms are like their own little regime, governing your every movement. There’s no free will with their product.

The best part about Smarties is that they won’t kill you. Yes, you heard me. Aside from the obesity, M&Ms can kill you. They are not peanut-free like Smarties. They state right under their ingredients that the product “may contain peanuts.” M&Ms are trying to kill by hitting up the most common allergy in the world. The initials M&M must stand for mass murderers. Frankly, I wouldn’t buy “Charlie Manson-Os,” so I won’t buy M&Ms. I prefer not to support terrorist organizations. I like other people living.

So stick with the patriotic choice. Choose the Canadian candy, Smarties. 'They are clearly the better choice. They don’t try to be Big Brother or a murderer. They love their consumers and want them to be healthy and happy. M&Ms are an evil regime and they don’t like you at all. If M&Ms were a person, they’d be the guy who pushed the guy on crutches out of the way to get a better seat on the bus.

Chelse McKee is a news editor at the Manitoban.