Nobody eats the red ones last because nobody eats Smarties to begin with!

Why M&Ms are vastly superior to Smarties

Michael Silicz, Staff

As comment editor of the ManiToban , I take tremendous pride in the masterdebate column. Appearing in every issue of the paper since August, the maseterdabation page allows me to inject some contentious debate into your campus paper. All too often, when reading any major Canadian daily, one is inundated with only a single side of a debate. The reader gets to hear only one voice on the issue, one option for consideration. And it’s that sole view which inevitably prevails by lack of opposition. I’ll go so far to say that other newspapers do not have the courage to let two writers debate in a pseudo-Hegelian context, which in turn allows you the reader to synthesize the correct answer. But we are not other papers. We are the Toban .

Over the past four months, contentious issues like “which is correct, evolution or creationism?” “should university entrance requirements be raised?” and “should Starbucks coffee be served in Dafoe?” have once and for all been settled decisively on this very page. But now, my friends, it is time to tackle the most arduous and disputed topic yet. And it’s a topic that, in our post-9-11 world headed toward ecological crisis, is of the utmost consequence. Some may very well say this is the defining issue of our generation. My friends, this week, the Toban will put to end a timeless debate that has plagued Western political thought since antiquity:

Which are superior: M&Ms or Smarties?

I assert that M&Ms are by far superior to Smarties. M&Ms crush Smarties in every statistical and categorical comparison possible. It is unequivocally clear to anyone past the age of four that this is so. Let’s look at the facts.

M&Ms are big. They’re dense and pack a punch. They have a hearty spherical shape, as well as character and texture. There’s something malleable to them that one can sink their teeth into. They even have that little touch of professionalism, with a classy little “m” on each individually delicious piece. But best of all, M&Ms are true to their word: they melt in your mouth and not in your hand.

That’s right Smarties, you’re right down there in terms of candy bar crapiness with Big Turk, which is filled with red jelly gunk and tastes like the expired marmalade at your grandma’s house.

Smarties, however, are the bastard child of the chocolate family. They are shaped like flat, two-dimensional buttons, which are boring and something old ladies collect. They feature stupid colours that nobody likes, be they five years old or 50. Further, Smarties don’t even have an “s” on them, perhaps because Nestle imagined correctly that people would assume the “s” stood for “suck.” Smarties come in one kind of flavour: crap. Smarties also chip and crack and break in their big cardboard box (which is often filled with more air than Smarties). And worst of all, unlike M&Ms, Smarties melt in your hand, long before they even get to your mouth.

Furthermore, let’s talk marketing. M&Ms come in paper, not cardboard. The power of M&Ms is so great that they don’t even need to advertise the contents of the package on the outside of the wrapper. Each ugly Smarties box, on the other hand, unfortunately means the same thing: Smarties are inside of it. M&Ms also have the advantage of a world-renowned slogan that makes sense: they melt in your mouth, like they should, and don’t melt in your hand. Smarties slogan? “Do you eat the red ones last?” What? Why the hell would anyone eat the red ones last? They all taste the God damn same. Smarties don’t even have a mascot. In fact, the last time Smarties did anything cool was years and years ago, when they offered the “cool dude Smarties shades” promotion way back when they introduced the “blue” Smartie (a colour that they stole from M&Ms in the first place). M&Ms, however, have those cool talking M&Ms for mascots, who always exchange the wittiest of banter with one another.

Even better, M&Ms come in a wide variety of flavours. Peanut, chocolate, peanut butter, and best of all, M&M Minis, all bring a different and great taste to the table. When it comes to Smarties, one and only one size, shape, and flavour exists. In fact, I’d go so far to say that M&Ms are like Canada, with a diverse variety of flavours, fillings, and colours, which all form a candy cultural mosaic. Smarties, on the other hand, can only be compared to a world of homogeneous dystopia. I would equate Smarties to Germany in 1941, which is about the time when Hitler came closest to conquering Europe and executing his plan of creating a German society of purely Aryans. Thus, M&Ms are like modern-day Canada, and Smarties are like fascist Nazi Germany. That about sums it up right there.

Now, I don’t mean to be callous, but Smarties need to go back down to the minors, as the big leagues are where the M&Ms play. Maybe Smarties should have a debate with the other inferior chocolate bars over who is best of the worst; that is, the king of the losers. Suitable candidates for this brutal candy bar showdown would include other notoriously crappy bars such as Crunchie, Kit Kat, Crispy Crunch, Three Musketeers, and the worst chocolate bar of all time: Big Turk. That’s right Smarties, you’re right down there in terms of candy bar crapiness with Big Turk, which is filled with red jelly gunk and tastes like the expired marmalade at your grandma’s house. Yes, I just went there.

Michael Silicz is the comment editor of the ManiToban and is a student of law and political studies.