Baldism: fact
Cue-ball in the corner pocket
Ben Poggemiller Staff
Ferris Bueller said: “‘-Isms,’ in my opinion, are not good. A person should not believe in an ‘–ism’; he should believe in himself.” There’s one particular “–ism” that Ferris Bueller might have to deal with later in life, however. The “–ism” in question is baldism.
Most people don’t believe that baldism is an issue. After all, Microsoft Word doesn’t provide a spelling warning for racism or ageism, but baldism produces a squiggly line of denial. People aren’t treated differently because of their hair, right?
Baldism was first brought to my attention by Larry David in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry, who is extremely bald, is describing how “bald people get discriminated against constantly” to his unbelieving friend Jeff. By some bizarre surgical mistake, Jeff wakes up to find his head completely shaved and he experiences baldism first hand.
An article from BBC reports a study done by the Emnid Institute in Munich on discrimination against the bald. They sent fake photos to employers, who responded by claiming the applicants with hair were more “dynamic.” The study found that bald applicants are rejected more than their follicle-abundant counterparts by two times.
While bald people seem to be discriminated against and are part of an unprotected minority (who isn’t?), they seem to have a camaraderie not found elsewhere. Although it is perhaps fictitious, Larry David gives a “thumbs up” to other bald people that he sees. Gary Arnold, owner of Uptown Restaurant and Bar in Lodi, Calif.., received much media attention a few years ago when he started offering sizeable discounts to people with less than 50 per cent of their hair, naturally or otherwise. A website, Baldrus.com, exists for “proud men rejecting the Hair Club for Men.” Their logo is emblazoned with a bald eagle, a symbol of America, and they have a column entitled “Ask the Bald Guy.” There are several such websites that fight the hair restoration industry, which preys upon insecurity.
Can bald people be productive members of society or are they destined to shine our shoes, work our fields, and pull our wagons? In addition to those things, bald people can be better than those of us with fertile fields of hair. Patrick Stewart has classical dignity, Sean Connery has sex appeal, Winston Churchill had powerful rhetoric and the ability to look like a baby, and Mark Messier can sell a potato chip like nobody else. Oh, and I think he played hockey, too.
So what can men do to combat their condition? One solution is not to combat it at all, but rather, embrace it. Another solution is the dreaded toupee. Some may see the toupee as an object of jest, and some others may see it as “cheating.” Some beloved celebrities, however, chose to wear them, perhaps to maintain their stellar images. These celebrities include John “The Duke” Wayne, Bobby “Splish Splash” Darin and Julius “Et tu Brute” Caesar. Would we think less of these people if they were proud of their lack of follicles? Probably not. Do we think less of them for balding? No, these people are as highly regarded as ever. Do we think less of them for wearing a toupee? I certainly do. It’s like finding out there’s no Santa Claus.
In the end, baldness is not a disease or illness, nor is it anything to feel bad about. It might pay off one day. As George Constanza says, “When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think’s gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? The baldies.”
