An article about Facebook! OMG!

LOL

Shawna Sweeney, volunteer staff

I have gotten quite a few e-mails in the past two years or so from people who want me to join Facebook. It’s not really my thing so I usually just ignore them and delete the requests from my inbox. Sometimes I manage to click on the link and make it all the way to the registration page before I lose interest, but normally it’s the trash can.

I have resisted the Facebook phenomenon at all costs because I am totally over social networking sites. After going through long ordeals with Friendster and Orkut and MySpace, I just couldn’t bring myself to build another predictable personal profile with all the bands and books and films I like or the top 10 mythical creatures that best match my personality or top five superheroes I most resemble.

But today, in the interest of journalism and on advice from my editor, I registered with Facebook to investigate some of its kooky user groups. I was told that some of them were pretty far out there and I wanted to see for myself. As it turns out, the groups went far beyond far out. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but people get up to all kinds of crazy things in this world so I’ve sort of come to expect it. Here are 10 actual Facebook groups that will make you wonder if college is really for smart people:

“When I Was Your Age, Pluto Was A Planet” (1,126,757 members) — Insanely, this group had the most members of any other affiliation I found. I did not realize that the loss of Pluto from the planetary order had caused such a nostalgic and grief-stricken public response. But the numbers do not lie.

“I Wish My Homework Was Asexual So It Would Do Itself” (153,420 members) — I have often had this fantasy myself, but in one of the great ironies of personal effort, I think that if the founder invested half the time in studying as he did in coming up with clever group names, his homework would not need to gender bend because it would already be done.

“My Friends Are Getting Married. I’m Just Getting Drunk.” (72,412 members) — One troubling aspect of your 20s is the part in the middle where your friends start hooking up for good and getting married. Eventually you are the last sad loser lost in a terrifying sea of unfit suitors drifting aimlessly through the cruel waters of Lake Romance. But don’t worry. Love will find you eventually. And if it doesn’t, Happy Hour will.

“Addicted To Nutella!!” (6,091 members) — It intrigues me that the founding member of this group felt so strongly about Nutella that she needed two exclamation points to express her excitement about chocolate hazelnut spreads. While I agree that Nutella is a delicious treat, I feel that I can sum up my own sentiments about that little can of spreadable heaven with a single exclamation point or maybe just a period.

“Abstinence Until Marriage” (6,046 members) — While I respect and admire the idea of abstinence, it is one of those things that works better in theory than in practice, like communism. I have failed this test along with most of the people I know. And clearly we are not alone because Facebook has like 90 bajillion members and only 6,000 sad souls are still waiting. Good luck, kids. You’ll need it.

“Americans Who Realize Global Warming Isn’t A Myth” (2,987 members) -— For years it was impossible to guess how many Americans actually believed that global warming was a myth. In this case, however, it is possible to reverse-engineer our way to an answer. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the population of the United States is currently 302,770,000. By subtracting the 2,987 Americans who are aware that global warming is not a myth, we can deduce that 302,767,013 still think that it is. This explains a lot.

“I Dig Archaeology” (2,736 members) and “Geology Rocks!” (2,141 members) — Although each of these earth sciences rank equally off the charts on the geek-o-meter, you have to respect a group that turns its members hobby into a clever pun. Geologists rock!

“I Have No Money Because I Scrapbook” (2,113 members) — If scrapbooking has become such an overwhelming problem in your personal life that it is driving you into the poorhouse, there are larger issues at work than your inability to turn down a heart-shaped hole punch. Please seek immediate counseling— for the sake of all those around you.

“We Need To Find A Kidney Donor For Our Father. Help Us Spread The Word.” (1,985 members) — First off, I am not sure that Facebook is the best place to advertise for spare body parts. Secondly, I am fascinated that nearly 2,000 people feel strongly enough about this kidney issue that they have joined a group in support of it.

“I Yell At Inanimate Objects” (1,713) — I do not think that the low membership of this community accurately reflects the true number of people who have this problem. A short list of inanimate objects I have seen people yell at includes automobiles, parking meters, cigarette lighters, microwaves, televisions, gaming systems, computer screens, cellphones, policemen, and poorly placed lawn ornaments. Given the strong empirical data, it is safe to assume that this number could easily be multiplied by a factor of 10 to arrive at a more realistic total.