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Strike!
Don’t believe the egregious lies
Ben Poggemiller, Staff ON HIATUS
I llustration by Alishia Dumontet
I’m going on strike. I’ve had enough. If the Writers Guild of
America can do it, why can’t I? This isn’t a sympathy strike;
this one’s all about me. I get no royalties on paper pickup and no compensation
for online use of my work. I should also get money every time somebody lines
a birdcage with a copy of the Manitoban. I keep trying to get other
reporters to join my cause, but nobody listens. All they want to do is play
Ping-Pong and shut down my idea for a unicorn-themed issue. I think I can
get them on my side once I state my demands, but I’m getting ahead of
myself.
This is my list of grievances:
1. No royalties when people pick up the Manitoban.
2. No royalties when people look at the Manitoban online.
3. No royalties when people mention my articles in a public place.
4. No royalties.
5. No Ping-Pong table(s) in the Manitoban office.
6. Not enough unicorn-related articles.
7. Pants are required in the Manitoban office.
8. Uninteresting culture editors.
9. Maniacal laughing is frowned upon in the Manitoban office.
10. No medical plan. I broke my glasses and the Manitoban isn’t
stepping up.
This is my list of demands in response to my grievances:
1. $0.005 for every issue of the Manitoban picked up.
2. $0.005 for every hit on my articles online.
3. $0.005 for every mentioning of my name in public or the discussion of
one of my articles in public. If “Happy Birthday” can technically
collect royalties then I can, too.
4. Royalties.
5. At least one Ping-Pong table in the Manitoban office for tournaments
and other special occasions such as Wednesday. A Ping-Pong table can also function
as a regular table.
6. At least one article about unicorns per month dealing with topics such
as why unicorns are so great, the plausible existence of unicorns, and the defiance
of the stereotype of the fantastical, delicate unicorn in favour of a vicious,
battle-ready unicorn.
7. Sometimes creativity requires good air circulation. Pants should be optional.
8. There’s not much I can do about this one. People seem to like Evan
Johnson for some reason. He is charming, I’ll give him that.
9. Why shouldn’t I be able to work in the back room in the dark, with
a white coat, humming beams of electricity behind me, disheveled hair, and a
madcap expression?
10.I’m not asking for a medical plan, but new glasses would be great.
I mean, I have to be able to read what I write, don’t I? It would be in
the Manitoban’s best interest for me to seeue cleaewrly.
Evan Johnson has provided me with a list of counter-offers, none of which
are appealing to me. I will not compromise my principles. Ben Poggemiller
is not James Bond — Roger Moore will never replace me. Come look for
me while I picket outside University Centre, although I won’t be picketing
on days that have a “u” in the name, or on days that are below
10 C, or on days when good TV is on. I anticipate that the Manitoban
will selfishly try to publish articles under my popular name in the coming
weeks, so the quality with which my name is normally associated might diminish.
“Evan Johnson is the best editor in the whole worl”dawsad. I
didn’t say that! “I withdraw all my demands.”No, I don’t
. . . e21awkheaewa. Give me the keyboard, damn it . . . support my demands
for “less freedom in my articles.”
To: Dr. Benjamin Poggemiller,
former Culture Reporter
From: The Manitoban
Newspaper Corporation Culture Section Management-Response Negotiation Documentation
Committee
RE: Your STRIKE Demands
We have received your list
of grievances and corresponding demands and wish to propose the following
counter-offers:
1. No.
2. No.
3. NO!
4. No.
5. For a number of complicated
reasons understood only by “Calgary School” economists and politicians,
the current state of the cod fisheries makes it impossible for us to acquire
a Ping-Pong table at this time. We are, however, willing to offer you an incomplete
set of misshapen, water-damaged Jenga blocks. We feel that the act of taking
a block from the bottom and putting it on top then taking a block from the middle
and putting it on top will, in the long run, provide the same therapeutic combination
of stimulation and satisfaction that a Ping-Pong table can provide.
6. One unicorn article
will be permitted every six weeks, provided said article is part of a series
entitled “Unicorns and Contemporary Social Issues,” and includes
topics such as abortion, welfare-theory, and the legal implications of new developments
in information technology.
7. You will be required
to wear pants in the office as long as your nauseating, chicken-like legs remain
chicken-like and nauseating.
8. The editor in question
has been ruthlessly tortured and executed. His screams still echo throughout
the office.
9. Your back-room eugenics
experiments have been deemed by the management to be both physically dangerous
and morally troubling and will not be permitted. You will still receive your
weekly hamster, to do with what you like.
10. Unfortunately, we are
not currently budgeted to provide all or any of our employees with frivolous
perquisites like eyeglasses, desks, stationery, positive feedback, or a psychologically-healthy
working environment. This isn’t Starbucks.
Please consider these offers.
We value your contributions to our corporation, and hope in the future to
have the opportunity to exploit your pliable will and sturdy lower back.
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