What’s in a name?
Nothing, if you are Evan Johnson
Ben Poggemiller, Staff
The name Evan Johnson conjures up no exciting feelings. Evan. There’s no surprise there. Johnson. Every NFL team has at least three Johnsons. Johnson doesn’t even trigger spell-check like other charming names like Poggemiller. Thus the gooey, interesting nougat of an Evan Johnson must be in the person himself, not in his name. Here are some Evan Johnsons found via Google.com who are far more interesting than my editor, Evan Johnson.
Evan Johnson, composer
Evan Johnson has a PhD in composition and according to his website he is a “young American composer whose music focuses on the physical and bodily underpinnings of instrumental performance, the ontology of time and proportion, and the dramatic limitation of instrumental means and musical material.” The Evan I know isn’t even close to being that metaphysical. The only thing the Evan I know has composed is a weekly list of things that he hates about my articles. I also doubt that he has had any of his compositions performed by string quartet Quatuor Bozzini or by mid-level violinist Mark Menzies.
Evan Johnson, realtor
According to the website Evanjohnson.com, a website that “Culture Evan” will never have, “Evan Johnson was born in Alaska into a gold-mining family.” I was already impressed. I bet he knows a lot about old prospector slang. I’ve never heard Culture Evan say he was going cow-punching or high-tailin’ it three ways from Sunday. He once called me a scallywag, but that was it. Realtor Johnson followed his dream to come to Virginia and start the Evan Johnson Realty group. Johnson also married his sweetheart, and fellow agent Tom Bauer in Whistler, B.C., according to a CBC news story from 2004. Since then they have started a website called Mygayagent.com, a national gay real estate firm. Culture Evan has never been on the news, at least memorably, and probably doesn’t enjoy skiing half as much as Realtor Evan does.
Evan Johnsons, various
Imdb.com has three Evan Johnsons. Evan Johnson (I) worked in casting extras for The Standard v.15, a tale illustrating the “pitfalls of the standardized curriculum.” He also worked as a lighting assistant in Australia’s documentary series called Popstars, and hit it big as a film loader for What’s Up, Scarlet? Evan Johnson (II), played Brien Brou in Shadow Beings and Evan Johnson (III) was an executive producer for Blood Predator. None of these Evan Johnsons or any of the productions they worked on have any legitimate comments on the IMDb message boards. Nevertheless, they pursued their dream. Culture Evan, who has a degree in film studies, has contributed nothing to the film world. All he does is wrangle volunteers for articles every week and putter around Dafoe library stacking books.
Evan Johnson, reviewer
Evan Johnson has reviewed a book entitled, B2B: How to Build a Profitable E-Commerce Strategy, on April 8, 2001 on Amazon.com. He describes the book to be “great as an introduction for those new to B2B, as well as a guide for experienced business professionals looking for a tool to enhance their commerce.” One out of one people found his review helpful. None of Culture Evan’s reviews have been helpful to anyone, even when he was arts editor. Unfortunately, Reviewer Evan has only written this one review, leaving the book-buying community clamouring for more. Also, Reviewer Evan’s sentences are clear and coherent and don’t have a hard-working copy editor looking after him.
Evan Johnson, physical therapist
According to The Spine Center of New York Presbyterian Hospital-Columbia University Medical Center’s website, Dr. Johnson is a “faculty member at Columbia University’s College of Physician and Surgeons,” and “teaches orthopedics and therapeutic exercise.” Culture Evan never exercises, and I think he only leaves his home to come to the Manitoban staff meetings, which he grudgingly attends, and then he ignores his reporters afterwards. Culture Evan is also not part of the American Physical Therapy Association’s Hooked on Evidence Low Back Pain Panel.
Evan Johnson 3000
During my adventures through time I came across many robots. The Evan Johnson 3000 surpasses all other models of Evan Johnson. Built by the Steely Man Old-Fashioned Robocorp, the EJ300 is more cynical and bitter than its 21st-century counterpart and hates popular culture with the power of a thousand suns. When asked why a multiflontillian-quatloo company chose to base a robot on a 21st-century culture editor, Steely Man’s spokesbot said, “It’s part of our ‘Where Were They Then?’ line of robots, based on insignificant crumb-bums of the 21st century.” Well said, spokesbot.
There is a myriad of Evan Johnsons more interesting than Evan Johnson. What’s in a name? Apparently nothing.
