Urban legends debunked

…and replaced by the unbearable tedium of everyday life

Shawna Sweeney, volunteer staff

When studying any unfamiliar society it is important to examine many different facets of the culture including language, legends, and local customs. But of these key cultural commodities, folk and urban legends can often be the most telling. Rich oral histories are passed down from generation to generation in order to transfer valuable knowledge and vital information.

Some of these stories have a greater philosophical or existential meaning. They might even communicate cultural material or offer helpful guidance. But there are other stories that mix with this gentle folk wisdom like factory sludge in a runoff pond. These poisonous urban legends, while entertaining, often teach us lies instead of truth. But the lies are so believable that they’re hard to ignore and easy to repeat to friends. Here are 10 urban legends that fail the reality test but pass on like viruses to infect new victims every day.

Frozen face

At one point or another, most of us have been told to avoid a particular grotesque expression because “your face will freeze like that.” This advice is sometimes followed up by a story in which this has actually happened. But your cousin Elouise had a permanent and crippling muscular disorder that manifested at a truly unfortunate moment. You should feel pity for her, not fear for yourself.

The hitchhiker

Although it’s been inadvisable to pick up hitchhikers since 1968, some people still make this deadly mistake. While it is unlikely that your hitchhiker is a stone-cold psycho or run-of-the-mill axe murderer, it is likely that they will ask you for food stuffs, money, or sexual favours. Unless you have the available resources or willingness to share, it is simply cruel to remind your poor passenger of such obscene affluence as regular showers, personal hygiene products, and daily meals.

Watermelon seeds

My grandmother used to tell me that if I swallowed watermelon seeds I would grow a wee watermelon in my belly and swell up to twice my normal size. Then my brother ate a bunch on a dare once and the next day he described pooping them out in graphic detail. So I don’t worry about that anymore.

Hook hand

History has sadly rendered “hook hand” obsolete following steady advances in prosthetic and cybernetic technology. Instead of an angry fisherman or deranged dock worker, it is far more likely that you will be attacked by a crazed amputee with a superhuman robotic arm. Luckily these mechanical menaces are easy to spot from a distance and avoid — at least during the day.

Spider-infested beans

While a big and tasty Taco Bell burrito might make you run for the bathroom instead of the border, it is unlikely that your tongue will be colonized by flesh-eating spiders. I am sure there are some species of spiders which can burrow into human flesh to breed, but none of them could possibly survive a Winnipeg winter.

Microwave cat

Unfortunately, the aging of a more technologically adept generation makes it very difficult to accept that even an elderly person could mistake a microwave for a microwave oven and accidentally explode their favorite pet. In fact, who even owns a microwave oven anymore? Perhaps that is the real myth.

Pop Rocks and Pepsi

The Pop Rocks and Pepsi myth has been consistently proven false by bored suburban teenagers across the country. Mentos and Diet Coke, however, will make your stomach erupt through your abdomen faster than you can say Sigourney Weaver.

Internet millionaire

Though many passionate friend-of-a-friend anecdotes and coy Internet ads claim it is possible to make a living at eBay.com or Google.com ads or any number of online ponzi schemes, it is nearly impossible to make much more than bus fare. Unless your idea of “making a living” involves a cardboard box and tin-can shoes, the Internet is not the place to get rich quick.

Poisoned candy

I have often tried to imagine the guy creepy and deranged enough to inject poison into Halloween candy, but I have also tried to imagine the person stupid enough to eat something laced with syringe scars. I suppose it’s a toss-up only Darwin could call.

The perfect student

There are many enviable tales of young men and women who manage to heroically juggle a heavy class load, full-time job, several academic or activist clubs, and reasonable social life all at the same time. Supposedly they get good grades, have no debt, and love their parents and pets. It might make you want to throw up a little in your mouth, but take comfort in the fact that this person cannot actually exist without extreme amphetamine abuse or destructive psychological trauma. So trust me: you are much better off.