Dolphins with friggin’ toxic dart guns on their heads
What’s next, salmon armed with flashlights?
Jessica Stewin, Volunteer Staff
Surfers and swimmers beware: armed dolphins are on the loose.
In September 2005, a report by the Guardian Observer said that “armed dolphins, trained by the U.S. military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.” The dolphins are allegedly equipped with “toxic dart guns” that they can shoot at suspected terrorists and put the terrorists to sleep. The terrorist can then be picked up for interrogation or left to drown. If this urban legend is true, the U.S. government has created what only the mind of Mike Myers could dream up; although not quite the laser-equipped sharks of Austin Powers, they do still have the commonality of being an aquatic animal attack arsenal. Not only is the U.S. government dishing out massive amounts of money into its military but also intense amounts of creativity, too.
The arsenal of marine mammals is ludicrously perfect. What terrorists would suspect the friendly face of a dolphin to be the new weapon of their enemy? The idea, although still denied by the American navy, is so crazy that it just may be true. The U.S. government would not want to admit that they have this secret weapon, to avoid tipping off any underwater terrorist, and if they did admit the project they may also have to admit that the arsenal had escaped during hurricane Katrina. According to the Guardian Observer’s report, Leo Sheridan, “a respected accident investigator,” was given information from sources close to the U.S. government’s marine fisheries service that confirmed the dolphins had escaped.
The use of dolphins for war could open new doors for tactical military operations. The navy has revealed that dolphins are being used to detect mines near the Iraqi port of Umm Qasr. This could reduce the number of human soldier deaths because the animals are able to go ahead and sacrifice themselves, clearing mines. With the potential decrease in soldiers being killed by mines, and as a result of the brave actions of a few heroic dolphins, the American military would have fewer expensive funerals to pay for and, of course, fewer casualties. Fewer casualties would mean fewer distraught army wives and thus a more supportive country.
If these dolphins could be privately contracted, they may be held as responsible for their actions like American mercenary security firm Blackwater is, allowing the U.S. government to further mask the amount of deaths resulting from the war.
PETA should have no problem with the use of the animals in its military. The dolphins’ status has been raised within our society, having been given important and exciting employment opportunities in the military. These dolphins have been given jobs (although paid perhaps only with fish), and the government is said to treat the dolphins with exceptional care, surpassing the treatment of other tamed animals. The U.S. navy is responsible for all of the laws that help protect the rights and dictate the care and treatment of its marine mammals and not only do they meet their standards, they exceed them. The U.S. navy is said to be leading the industry in many cases. The dolphins also get the honour of serving their country alongside other brave soldiers.
This may be something the Canadian military should try getting in on and perhaps they already have. The Canadian government announced in May 2006 that defence funding was being increased by $1.1 billion over two years, with an increase of $5.3 billion over the next five years. This dramatic increase in funding could help fund the purchase of animals to add to the military, as well as for their training.
Furthermore, the Canadian government may wish to use animals native to our own land as a defensive measure, too. Some ideas could be armoured belugas to monitor the Arctic Circle, attack bison to protect the prairies, and, for a close Canadian equivalent, salmon equipped with flashlights to blind terrorist (lasers would be out of the budget).
What is concerning, although dolphins are considered to be quite intelligent animals, is how are they able to discern who is a terrorist and who is not. Anyone in the open waters may be mistaken by the marine mammals for the enemy and shot at, and with no one to come and promptly pick them up, the sleeping swimmer will surely drown. We can only hope that these dolphins will not also attack the flashlight-equipped Canadian guppies and accidently kill them in friendly fire.
Jessica Stewin is a University 1 student.
