Jesus wasn’t the only one who died for your
One reporter’s interview with a tree
Chelse McKee, Staff
I recently realized that trees’ contributions go entirely unnoticed
in society. To get a wider perspective on the plight of trees, I sat down
with George, a North American redwood tree, while he stood.
The Manitoban: So why not start at the beginning, George? When did
the trees begin to go unrecognized?
George: It started in AD 36, when Jesus was crucified. I mean, c’mon,
there was a tree out there that was just hanging out before some Roman came
and chopped him down. That tree became the cross for Jesus’ crucifixion,
but of course, no one recognizes his death for humanity. Jesus wasn’t
the only one who died for your sins!
M: Wow, I didn’t know trees played such a large part in religion.
Where else have you guys had your hand in?
G: We also play a large part in science. I mean, Isaac Newton never would
have gotten the idea for gravity if Larry (that was the tree’s name,
by the way) hadn’t dropped the apple. Newton would have never gotten
that idea if Larry hadn’t been sick and tired of holding that goddamn
apple. Which brings me to another point: fruit.
M: What about fruit?
G: We’re supplying the world with fruit but it’s fruit that has
gotten all the press about being nutritious. If it weren’t for trees,
you’d all be dead.
M: That’s a little harsh.
G: Harsh shmarsh. Facts are facts, and the fact is, trees don’t get
any credit for supplying nutrition.
M: How do you feel about the fake-wood wallpaper and paneling that
you see in homes today?
G: For starters, I can’t move from my spot, so I don’t get to
look in houses very much. Secondly, fake-wood anything sickens me. When you
people hear about scab labour or illegal aliens stealing work from people,
you guys make a big case about it. When fake-wood paneling or wallpaper starts
stealing jobs from trees, you guys just sit there and stare at your walls.
It’s not real, people!
M: (Laughs) Maybe you guys should start a union?
G: You should really do you research, lady. Trees do have a union. It’s
called CEDAR (Canadians Enforcing Direct Arbor Rights). We just don’t
meet up for meetings . . . ’cause like I said, we’re kind of in
a fixed spot.
M: So how does information move around?
G: Through the grapevine.
M: Isn’t that a conflict of interest?
G: Why? ’Cause it’s interracial. That’s pretty tacky. We
don’t hate fruit, Chelse. We just hate the way we’re being treated.
M: Sorry about that. Can you describe how have trees branched out
in their efforts to bring arbor awareness to the people?
G: Oh, now you’re just a laugh riot. You think you’re funny with
that pun? Ha, ha. Branching out. Hilarious. This interview’s over.
M: So . . . should I leave?
G: Well, I’m not going anywhere, am I?
