Plato’s Republic

The lost book

Ben Poggemiller, Staff

Socrates: Now let us turn to a matter of great importance, namely of traffic.

Man: Yes, Socrates.

Socrates: Do you think we should allow

bad drivers into the Republic?

Man: No, Socrates.

Socrates: Ah, but there are no “bad” drivers, but merely varying degrees of aggression in drivers. Is that not so?

Man. You didn’t let me finish, I was getting to that.

Socrates: All right, so the question is, should we let aggressive drivers in?

Man: Clearly we should.

Socrates: Please state one of several reasons why, then after I refute it to great success, state another one.

Man: I could be in a hurry. That seems to be a legitimate excuse for driving like a jerk. Sometimes, if I think a red light is going to turn green, I slow down. It’s called strategy.

Socrates: J.I. Katz, a physicist, wrote an article entitled “How to Approach a Traffic Light.” Although he does not factor in frictional and aerodynamic losses or changes in elevation, he concludes through arcane calculations that, under average conditions, a driver should “not slow down in anticipation of a sighted red light or race to meet a green one.” So your “strategy” actually inhibits you.

Socrates: Why else should we allow aggressive drivers?

Man: Well, sometimes aggressive driving

is necessary, such as in the case of an extreme medical emergency.

Socrates: In the case of a medical emergency, would you not rather call an ambulance? The paramedics are trained professionals when it comes to driving like maniacs and are able to bypass many of the traffic laws of the Republic.

Man: It is so, Socrates.

Socrates: What is so?

Man: I don’t know, I thought that’s what you wanted me to say.

Socrates: What else has your puny intellect come up with?

Man: What if I encounter a funeral procession? Can I not just blow by them, since I, the living one, have somewhere to be?

Socrates: The hallowed handbook of Manitoba Public Insurance states that, “Drivers of vehicles in a funeral procession with lighted headlights may, if traffic conditions permit, go through a red light or stop sign with caution. The drivers of all other vehicles must yield the right-of-way to the procession.” Therefore, you must yield to the dead. And no, you cannot pretend that you are part of the funeral procession.

Man: What’s Manitoba? Oh well, most people aren’t aggressive drivers, anyway.

Socrates: Not so.

Man [mimicking Socrates]: Not so.

Socrates: What was that?

Man: Nothing, Socrates.

Socrates: Not so. For according to a 2003 study of aggressive driving commissioned by the Canada Safety Council and The Steel Alliance, 84 per cent of those polled have admitted to committing an act of aggressive driving in the past year. While such a study may be flawed, it clearly shows that 16 per cent of Canadians are liars. Appropriately enough, Manitoba and Saskatchewan led the pack in making rude gestures. Is it so that most people do not drive aggressively?

Man: It is so.

Socrates: Gotcha! It is not so. Pay attention.

Give me another stupid reason that I can refute gloriously.

Man: Yes, Socrates. My car is equipped with airbags, thus making my car safer, thus allowing me to drive like an idiot.

Socrates: In an article by Steven Peterson,

George Hoffer, and Edward Millner entitled “Are Drivers of Air-Bag-Equipped Cars More Aggressive?

A Test of the Offsetting Behaviour

Hypothesis,” they conclude that “drivers of air-bag-equipped cars tend to be more aggressive than drivers of cars not so equipped, that their added aggressiveness diminishes the protection

afforded drivers of cars equipped with air bags and imposes additional risks on occupants and passengers in other vehicles.” So not only are you endangering yourself, but others on the road, too.

Man: It is so, Socrates.

[Ben comes running up]

Ben: Aha! Now I’ve got you, Socrates.

Socrates: Who are you, what are you doing here?

Ben: I came back in time to prevent you from ever releasing your incredibly boring work called Republic.

Socrates: I’ve never written anything in my life.

Ben: Damn, I forgot. It’s Plato who wrote Republic, not Socrates.

Socrates: You mean that little puke Plato will use my name to say whatever he wants, like I’m some sort of puppet?

Ben: I’m afraid so. If it’s any consolation, you will be glorified in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Man: It is so, Socrates.

Ben: Shut up! I’ve rigged up my Camry with a flux capacitor, burned up a lot of plutonium and pissed off a lot of Libyans to get here, so I’m going to say what I want to say. You’re a yes-man and a blithering idiot. All you guys in Republic say is, “Yes. It is so. Certainly. Yes, obviously.” Think for yourself, Man.

Man: Well, I --

Socrates: Shut up. I am going to give Plato a beating. Care to come along?

Ben: Certainly.

[Ben and Socrates walk off together, engaging in a fascinating discourse on what they will do to Plato when they find him.]