Sell your organs!

and other sensible get-rich-quick schemes

Shawna Sweeney

Although we all start out with the best of economic intentions, it is nearly impossible to navigate life in the 21st century without significant personal debt. Between deadly student loans, spring break spending sprees in Cabo and soul-crushing periods of abject poverty when credit cards become a third parent, far more dollars flood out than trickle in.

For a while it’s simple enough to shut your eyes and keep suckling at the sweet, sweet teat of consumerism. But after months or even years of nursing credit cards like mother’s milk, the bill inevitably comes due and raw panic sets in. How did this happen? Where did these insane numbers come from? How do you buy $500 worth of coffee in one month?

Self-indulgence and indiscretion of this magnitude can sometimes lead to extreme regret and bitter hopelessness, but there is no need for despair. There are many resourceful ways to deal with a situation of this economic enormity and ride a gentle wave of prosperity all the way to peace of mind. Here are 10 ways to escape the debt trap and get back on solvent ground.

Job juggling — While there are a finite number of hours in any given week, careful time management makes it possible to work several different jobs at once and maximize earning potential. Mild but unfortunate side effects of this archaic method include stress, exhaustion, temporary blindness, depression, genital rash, and crippling paranoia.

Learn to fly — The power of flight will make you an indispensable resource to many large corporations whose reputations depend on lightning-fast personalized delivery. Your unique aerodynamic service will take the business world by storm and after six short months earnings will eclipse most major shipping companies.

eBay.ca sales — Dumpster diving takes on a new dimension of profit sharing as another man’s trash becomes your Internet auction treasure. In addition to miscellaneous garbage and small electronics, you can repurpose creative “industrial art” such as slashed tire self-portraits, broken bicycle sculptures and “Still Life With White Trash” numbered nude Polaroids.

Buy-a-haiku — Start buy-a-haiku / (dot) com and sell poems to / silly romantics. // Huge headlines will read: / Web entrepreneur makes bank / on heart of haiku. // The words will grow quite / famous and you will become / very rich indeed.

Mobile home — Reducing domestic expenses by moving into your car can create positive cash flow within a few short weeks. Investing in a cheap gym membership and sturdy neck pillow will ensure basic hygiene and chiropractic health while you save mad bills on utilities.

Fake a fundraiser — On a grand karmic scale, organizing a fake fundraiser may drop you a few points in universal favour, but what you lose in karma you gain in cold hard cash. There are many bleeding hearts that also bleed money. But financial phlebotomy is an art form like any other, so it is best to pick a very expensive and vague disease like brain parasites or elephantiasis, get very drunk and then give passionate rambling speeches about the costly scourge of communicable disease.

Real estate speculation — If you can scrape together the funds or qualify for a zero-down loan, try to find a desirable building to buy low and sell high. There is no moral stigma or shame in being a shady slumlord or overcharging for office space. And the best thing about land is that they are not making any more, so your investment can only grow.

Design animal clothes — Unleash your feral fashionista by sewing and knitting tiny adorable outfits for animals. It is very easy to exploit wealthy pet owners and bored housewives by offering tasteful discounts and matching sweater sets. Repeat business is almost guaranteed as the pissed off pets will usually shred the first order.

Invent new fuel source — The quickest possible way to erase debt forever is solving the energy crisis. Inventing your own sustainable fuel of the future will not only drastically reduce your carbon footprint and living expenses, but lead directly to untold billions in patents and consulting fees.

Organ “donation” — Although selling body parts should be considered a last ditch effort, there is a healthy and lucrative black market for many organs you do not really need, like your second kidney, pancreas, and left cornea. Tip: perform careful online price comparisons to guarantee fair market value for your entrails.