The Evolution of Humanity in Three Parts
Or how I chopped off my penis and learned to love the human mind
Kevin Doole, staff
Part one: Penis on
How did it all start out again? Something about primordial goop mutating into primordial sludge mutating into ancient crud. Somewhere along the line, something grew some balls (or uteri) and called itself a fish. A fish grew feet and called itself a newt. A newt grew some fur and called itself a rabbit. Et cetera. Throughout this process reproduction was the driver. Every little bit of genetic innovation was both produced by and directed at making procreation easier for all the little creatures. In that sense, the entire theory is quite simple.
Over time, more and more species and subspecies covered the globe forming an intricate ecosystem, but it didn’t matter; the formula remained exactly the same: kill the stupid ones and keep the smart ones. Everyone was happy. These were the salad days for evolution. Big exciting dinosaurs roamed the Earth, funny monkeys swung about in the tree-tops, and prehistoric kitties chased prehistoric mice. There was a natural order to life and everything was balanced.
But then, millions of years worth of evolution and careful planning came to a screeching halt when a meteor crashed into the Earth thereby changing the ecosystem and changing what it meant to be fit. “Oh well,” thought evolution, “back at it.”
See, evolution had worked with species for millions of years and hence had a pretty good idea of how to go about doing it again for us mammals. Once again, kill the stupid ones and keep the smart ones. What evolution had not counted on was that humans would eventually turn into nerdy morons capable of creating majestic technologies to perform odd jobs such as penis enlargement, penis removal, and penis reattachment. We’ll get to that a little later.
Part two: Penis off
Christopher Wills of the University of California argues in his book The Runaway Brain that the “evolution of human uniqueness” is controlled by a process of cultural-genetic feedback. As Wills sees it, “the most important selective pressures continue to be on brain function.”
Another scientist, one Bruce Lahn of the University of Chicago, has discovered genes that emerged as early as 500 years ago that are involved in brain development. The exact functions of these genes are as yet unknown; however, Lahn believes that they are just the tip of the iceberg. Their existence is a direct indication of contemporary human evolution.
These are the informed opinions of scientists. But if you just think about it, it seems logical. People don’t really have to fight to survive in their environment anymore, so that sort of fitness is obsolete. Evolution is in our own hands. But are we really capable of that kind of responsibility?
Wills never actually implies that the smarter people are more fit. And if Lahn’s discovery is genuine, then evolution is still a function of reproduction because it shows up as physical evidence in our DNA. What this means is that the people who are able to produce offspring are contributing to the gene pool and are therefore determining the future mindset of humanity. That seems fine until we look at some examples of people who are able to reproduce.
Part three: Penis back on
In April 2007, a wild man stormed into a crowded London restaurant. He swiped a large knife from the kitchen and took it into the dining area. “He jumped on a table, dropped his trousers, and popped his penis out,” recounted Stuart McMahon a diner present at the time. “Then he cut it off. I couldn’t believe it.” Police subdued the man and retrieved his manhood from the floor. The idea was to take the two of them to the hospital and try to put them back together again.
In 2005, another penis detachment (no details necessary) resulted in authorities sending a utility worker to unplunge a toileted penis so they could slap it right back on. In 1993, a search party was formed to retrieve John Wayne Bobbit’s famed penis from a field of tall grass. If these weren’t effort enough, reattachment is a process that takes over nine hours. Those are hours that could be spent doing a host of more important tasks.
Traditional evolution must be spinning in its grave.
In fact, may I be so bold as to say that these procedures need not be pursued. The whole point of evolution was to weed out the morons who were dim enough to get themselves into these situations. Now humanity has the reigns and we just reattach the severed “peens” and say, “There ya go, bucko, don’t let it happen again.” We probably don’t even go so far as to reproach. It’s just, “There you are, now run along and reproduce!”
Now that evolution is in our own hands, shouldn’t we be a little more wary about reattaching the penises of silly fools who lose them? They’re important pieces of anatomy and it surely doesn’t take great intellect to keep a hold of them. They usually come preassembled. They’re on tight. People who lose their weenies deserve to be penalized.
