Road justice

Ruthless . . . savage . . . spectacular

Ben Poggemiller, Staff

Illustration by Ted Barker

There are few things people like more than taking the law into their own hands. Some of my favourite fictional characters take the law into their own hands on a regular basis. They include: Batman, Spider-Man, The Punisher, and Luke Duke, but not Bo Duke. Bo is a pretty-boy.

Most of my examples perform heroic feats of vigilante justice or try to save their uncle’s farm from a gluttonous commissioner. However, there is a setting in which regular folk can exact a special kind of revenge. Although rare, sometimes the public can participate in a little venture called “road justice.” That’s what separates us from my examples, except for maybe Luke Duke, in the off-chance that that blond, yee-hawing nincompoop lets him drive the General Lee. Oh, and Mad Max. That’s another good one.

There are several rules of the road implicit to driving in Manitoba:

These rules make road justice necessary.

Otherwise, many normal, sane people would become raving lunatics. Sometimes just fantasizing about road justice keeps people from murdering bad drivers on the road. My father dreams about owning an armour-plated, military Hummer with several rocket launchers. Keep reachin’ for that rainbow, Dad.

Some people have actually witnessed an example of road justice. My girlfriend has actually witnessed two:

1. She was driving home from work on the perimeter, where everyone speeds profusely. One particular crumb-bum in a pickup felt that speeding wasn’t fast enough and was driving rather aggressively. He was changing lanes like a California housewife changes diets, making little progress, perfectly following rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, and irritating fellow drivers in the process.

Eventually he got stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle (only 120 km/h). Then, in an unprecedented display of teamwork, all of the irritated drivers in the other lane bunched up and purposely would not let him back in. It was truly a moment of camaraderie. It was short-lived, however, and as the operation fell apart, the maniac sped off into the distance. About 10 minutes later, the irate victims were given a divine gift. The same idiot was seen on the side of the road nursing a flat tire and a bruised ego. The other drivers looked into their hearts and decided to do the right thing, which was to honk, wave, and laugh at him; they knew that road justice had been served.

2. She was driving home from school on Lagemodiere, where everyone follows rule three piously. An impatient girl was driving in the same fashion as the ignoramus in example one. She had been cutting people off since Bishop Grandin and karma was about to intervene. After flying by my girlfriend, the would-be mental patient stopped behind a van at a red light. The girl decided to pick up her phone and in her absent-mindedness stepped on the gas, smashing the front of her car into the back of the van. Scores of cars pulled over to be witnesses to the “accident” and to administer road justice.

Some people have all the luck. I’ve had only one opportunity to inflict a small amount of road justice. It was small, but it was just enough to butter my bread with. I was heading south down Lagimodiere and was stuck at the four-hour light at Regent. Now, those of you who are familiar with that corner will know that there are technically three lanes, but the right lane abruptly ends after the intersection, since it is intended to be used for people coming onto Lagimodiere from Regent. I was the first car in the middle lane. I looked into my mirror to see a car bypass every other car behind me and come up beside me in the rightmost lane.

I knew full well that this young woman intended to stomp on the gas and cut me off with extreme prejudice. Discovering that my six-shooter was missing from its holster, I vowed to not let this happen. I owed it to the people behind me to not let her into my lane. Why should they have to wait while this floozy can just cut in line? I decided that I was a real hero. Batman would be proud of me. As soon as the light turned green, I looked over at her and stomped on the gas. I matched speed with her until her lane ended then I immediately slowed down. The car behind me managed to get by her, too. She peeled out in front of a truck and swerved into the left lane. She flew by me and glared at me. Perhaps she performed an obscene gesture in my direction. I couldn’t tell because I was too busy waving at her and laughing.

I have only one thing to say to all of you would-be road vagrants out there: with great horsepower comes great responsibility.