Wherever there’s a hang up, you’ll find the Spider-Man
Scientific results from the testing of underwear validates Spider-Man’s superiority over Batman
Jesse Beach, volunteer staff
“Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size, catches thieves just like flies. Lookout! Here comes the Spider-Man.” I know you all remember those famous lines from the immortalized theme song of the greatest superhero of all time. Now, a question: what was Batman’s theme song? I cannot for the life of me remember a song or tribute which adorned any of the numerous Batman cartons, movies or promotions over the years. Which brings me to today’s very obvious conclusion: Spider-Man is a far greater superhero than Batman.
The first, and possibly most damning piece of evidence which proves Spider-Man’s superiority, are his amazing abilities. After being bitten by a radioactive spider, the mild-mannered Peter Parker is given a plethora of superhuman gifts. Examples of these awesome gifts include superhuman strength, super speed and agility, the clairvoyant spider-sense, the ability to stick to and climb up walls . . . the list is virtually endless. What are Batman’s abilities which allow him to conquer crime? His bat-belt; the superhero equivalent of a fanny-pack. Batman does not have any super powers or abilities which make him any better than any other ordinary person. The only reason they were able to make a superhero out of the lacklustre Bruce Wayne is because the character is rich and buys a bunch of toys. This is no superhero; this is a spoiled rich kid who gets his jollies out of beating people up while wearing body armour.
What are Batman’s abilities which allow him to conquer crime? His bat-belt, the superhero equivalent of a fanny-pack.
However, even though Spider-Man’s abilities already make him the paramount superhero of this lopsided debate, there are even more reasons to exult him as the superior crime stopper. Spider-Man has one of the best known, and most powerful list of villains in the comic world. Over the span of Spider-Man’s crime fighting career, he has gone head-to-head with the most feared comic villains ever created: monstrosities like Venom and Carnage; scientific mistakes like Scorpion, Dr. Octopus and Lizard. Each of these characters have powers that are similar and, in some cases, vastly superior to Spider-Man’s own impressive arsenal. However, in spite of the tremendous odds which are placed before him, Spider-Man always prevails, using brains and intellect to defeat enemies that are physically stronger or faster. Batman, at no point in his long career, faces anything even close to the likes of Venom or Dr. Octopus. Batman faces off against the likes of The Riddler — forever sketched into my mind as the skinny, frail-looking Jim Carrey in Batman Forever — and Two-Face, an old man who fell into a vat of acid and somehow only managed to burn half of his body. Batman has the most pathetic cast of villains in the comic industry, which is the only reason a guy with no superpowers can be called a superhero. You don’t need superpowers to take the Penguin out, just punch him in the head!
The final point of contention is entertainment value. Growing up I watched two separate Spider-Man cartoon series, bought dozens of his comics, toys and posters and went to see all three movies in theatres, twice. I love Spider-Man. You watch or read a Spider-Man story and you are entertained with a quality storyline and sustained actions scenes displaying a massive array of superhuman abilities on either side of the plate. However, if you go back and watch an old Batman show, or pick up an old comic, you are treated to nothing. Batman, with his incredible lack of abilities, is unable to create the kind of superb action scenes which are inherent to most comics. Therefore, the plot for every Batman story ever made is basically a long, drawn-out quest to find the villain’s lair to defeat him. Then, after all that manoeuvring and posturing, BAM, WHOP, ZOWEE! Fight over, next episode, you’ve just lost 30 minutes of your life. To comprehend the ability of people to subject themselves to that level of boredom, whether it be reading a comic or watching a Batman show, is beyond my level of understanding.
As a child, of course, you will attach yourself to any figure that plays the hero. I myself used to watch Batman cartoons as a kid; yet a mere child is unable to distinguish quality characters from poor ones, only that they are beating people up on television without getting in trouble. However, as an adult, I have come to realize the vast superiority of the Spider-Man character. But I have also come to realize something else, something of far greater importance to those who continue to idolize their childhood heroes into adulthood: Peter Parker is a pimp compared to Bruce Wayne.
Look at Spider-Man’s track record: in addition to marrying the vivacious Mary Jane Watson, he has been involved with Felicia Hardy (The Black Cat), and Gwen Stacy (the hot blond he went to school with in the mid-’90s cartoon). In any of Batman’s mediums, do you see him with a wife? A girlfriend? No. As a character, Batman is more interested in running off with Robin than in chasing the ladies. Bruce Wayne is a billionaire; he should be able to hook up with the hottest women of Gotham City like nothing. Peter Parker, a poor science nerd, has girls all over the place.
Channeling this animal magnetism was easy enough to pick up on as a kid. I remember my first clue as a young fifth grader to why Spider-Man was the superior character was the effect of his face on my underpants. My first attentions from the fairer sex were in response to a flash of Spidey showing from outside my jeans. Naturally excited by this turn of events and, thinking that all comic book heroes were created equal, I proudly showed off a pair of Batman briefs the following day. I never got another look from a girl for the rest of elementary. Enough said.
Jesse Beach is a fourth-year English student.
