Things you should know for protesting

Find a cause and run with it

Ben Poggemiller Staff

Illustration by ted barker

Wear a Beret

A protest is not complete without a guy wearing a beret. To receive maximum protest points, he must also wear a cracked leather jacket and sip some sort of “cino” drink from Starbucks.

Come up with some clever chants

No protest is complete without a clever chant. I was hugely disappointed to see CAW protesting without a witty, urbane mantra sizzling with topical goodness. Here are some examples that they could have used:

1. “Caw Caw, we crow for mo’ . . . money, that is.”

2. Imitating The Simpsons: “Two, four, six, eight, U of M’s crime was really great. Great, meaning large or immense, we use in the pejorative sense!”

3. “Chaucer certainly should have made,

A “Skilled Worker’s Tale” about our trade,

We use the allusion to illustrate,

That our plight has existed since a medieval date.”

iv. “Shame!”

Signs

Don’t settle for simple, photocopied, taped-onto-elementary-school-science-project-cardboard signs. Get out there and spend, spend, spend! Signs should be as sharp as their oral counterparts. For example:

Megaphone

Megaphones are great for amplifying an already irritating voice. Although classier, it’s such a hassle to get people to speak in unison effectively, and a megaphone will give the speakers a boost of confidence to make them feel more important than they really are.

Umsu will support anything

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but don’t expect them to admit it.

Ignore your enemy

Sun Tzu might recommend that you know your adversary, but this is counter-productive. You must convince yourself that your enemies will fight you vehemently, not listen to reason, and will probably eat your offspring if they get the chance.

Lock your windows and doors

Do this for obvious, offspring-protecting reasons.

Reach someone who’s not actually protesting with you

Most protest groups suffer from “preaching-to-the-choir” syndrome and bolster cries and support from people who already support them. Let’s change some minds, people!

Don’t be afraid of photographers

If a journalist comes to photograph you, don’t move out of the shot. After all, you’re supposed to be visibly supporting the cause. You’re making things very difficult for us, but after all, I guess that is the point of protesting.

Last but not least, you should have pre-written hate mail arranged to send to the Manitoban in response to articles that will probably insult you.