Babysat

A quasi-real comic tragedy in five acts

BY BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF

ILLUSTRATION TED BARKER

Cast of characters:

Ben P. — A friend of children . . . to a point
Lisa — His girlfriend, cousin of the wonderful children, and official
babysitter
Dylan — A sprightly four-year-old
Alyssa — A delightfully strange nine-year-old with a penchant for Memory
Nicholas — Eldest child, with wisdom beyond his 11 years. He wisely plays games on the computer
all night
The Adults- Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa to the children

Act I
Flourish. Enter Ben and Lisa into the household, where the Adults are getting ready for bowling night.

Dylan: Hi Ben, Hi Lisa.
Lisa and Ben: [together] Hi Dylan.
Dylan: Hey Ben? Do you think we could play Madden-oh-ate? [All one word]
Ben: Sure, but let’s wait until everyone leaves first.
Dylan: OK.
Five seconds later
Dylan: Umm . . . Ben? They’re almost
gone, can we go play now?
Ben: No. I said when everyone leaves we can go play Madden ’08.
Dylan. OK.
Five seconds later
Dylan: [hanging off of Ben’s arm] Can we go play now?
Ben: No, dang it!
Exeunt.

Act II
Ben and Dylan are in the basement playing Madden-oh-ate. Alyssa is showing Lisa her art portfolio from school.

Dylan: Why do I have to punt?
Ben: Because it’s fourth and 42. You have to punt.
Dylan: OK.
Five minutes later
Dylan: How come my guy didn’t throw it?

Ben: Because you didn’t pick a throwing play.
Dylan: Is this one a throwing play?
Ben: Well, I don’t know. I don’t know which one you picked.
Dylan: What about this one? Is this a throwing play?
Ben: Well, I [pauses then sighs]
Dylan: [innocently] Can I say goodbye to Vick before he goes to jail?
Ben: [wavering] No, buddy. Besides, you don’t even really know him.
Dylan: Yes I do.
Ben: No, you don’t.
Dylan: How come I have to punt?
Ben: Because it’s fourth down.
Dylan: But you never have to punt.
Ben: No, dang it!
Exuent.

Act III
Dylan, Alyssa, Ben and Lisa are playing Memory. They are taking turns in order of their age from youngest to oldest. Ben and Dylan are tied while Alyssa and Lisa are battling for first place.

Dylan: Got a pair!
Ben: [muttering to himself] Damn it, that’s the one I was going for. He’s four years old for the love of . . .
Alyssa: Got a pair!
After Alyssa’s turn, Ben flips over the same two tiles that he flipped over on his last turn
Ben: Why do I keep doing that?
Lisa: Got a pair!
Dylan takes his turn and doesn’t get a pair. Ben takes his turn and gets one.
Ben: Ha, ha, got one! In your faces!
Later
Lisa: OK, that’s it. Let’s see. That’s 78 pairs for Alyssa, 80 pairs for me, three pairs for Dylan, and four pairs for Ben.
Ben: [exclaiming] Yes, I’m not last!
Dylan, Lisa and Alyssa: [together] You’re not very good at this, are you?

Ben: No, dang it!
Exeunt.

Act IV
Ben and Dylan are sitting on the couch.

Dylan: [holding his fingers aloft] I’m going to tickle you. Ticky-ticky-ticky
Ben: Please don’t tickle me.
Dylan: Why not?
Ben: Because if you tickle me, I’m going to tickle you back.
Dylan: [with trickles of logic] But I . . . umm . . . don’t want you to tickle me.
Ben: Then don’t tickle me.
Dylan: OK.
Five seconds later
Dylan: [wiggling his fingers] Ticky-ticky-ticky. I’m going to tickle you!
Ben: Please don’t tickle me.
Dylan: Why not?
Ben: Because if you tickle me, I’m going to tickle you back.
Dylan: But I . . . umm . . . don’t want you to tickle me.
Ben: Then don’t tickle me.
Dylan: OK.
Five seconds later. Dylan starts tickling Ben. Ben starts tickling him back.
Dylan: Why are you tickling me?
Ben: Because [ pauses, sighs, pauses] Say, do you have any hemlock?
Dylan: What?
Ben: Nothing.

Act V
The children are in bed and the Adults have just come home.

Mom: Thanks for babysitting, you guys.
Lisa: No problem.
Ben: They’re really great kids.
Ben and Lisa leave the house.
Lisa: Did you have fun?
Ben: Sure.
Lisa: They asked me to babysit tomorrow night. Do you want to come?
Ben: No, dang it! Well . . . OK.
Fin.