Chef boyardee vs. KD

A hobo’s dinner showdown

DAVID DRIVER

ILLUSTRAION TED BARKER

Without a doubt you’ve opened up your cabinets at some point this week and tried to scrape together some ideas for a meal, and, if you’re like me, your options constantly get narrowed down to either a delicious bowl of Chef Boyardee or a delicious plate of Kraft Dinner. Chef Boyardee has been a microwavable staple for years, while Kraft Dinner is, of course, our nation’s favourite pastime. Who’s got the guts to win my appetite over? Well boys, keep it clean, ’cause we’re ready to come out fighting in six rounds of hobo-dinner showdown! Let the fighting commence.

Easily one of the biggest factors in making a food decision is the amount of time it takes to prepare and cook each dish. We all know that Kraft Dinner requires many ingredients and much time and tedious effort to prepare, and since Chef Boyardee consists of simply putting some in a bowl and heating it up, Chef Boyardee gets KD on the ropes in the early going. Plus, you have the option of buying Chef Boyardee in a self-microwaving container, which eliminates half the preparation and is much easier than the long-forgotten and disastrous Easy Mac. I still have nightmares about Easy Mac.

Chef Boyardee takes around two to two and a half minutes to prepare, depending on your microwave’s power. KD, however, takes anywhere from 10 minutes to prepare (if you decide to microwave) to 20 minutes (if you decide to boil), and unless you have a fossilized microwave from the late ’70s, you’ll be enjoying your Chef Boyardee long before you get a forkful of KD. Sorry, KD, but the Chef’s coming out swinging!

Exactly how appetizing does your hobo-dinner look? Well, Chef Boyardee sports a nice ruby-red tomato sauce with bits of pasta floating about, but KD boasts that oh-so-trademark neon glow. Anything that looks like it could emit its own light in the darkness is more that enough reason to eat it, so KD wins this round.

And while I do use the term “nutrition” very loosely here, which of these meals will help you grow big and strong? Well, both meals offer the same amount of calories, fats, and saturated fats, so there’s no contest there. While scrolling down the label of a Chef Boyardee can, you’ll find that the Chef offers a good supply of iron, and marginal amounts of vitamin A, D, and calcium. Kraft Dinner also offers these nutritional elements, but also boasts the addition of vitamin B12, along with amounts of thiamine, riboflavin, foliate, and phosphorus. While I have absolutely no idea what any of these are, they must be good for you, right? Sorry, Chef, but KD has things all tied up!

Since “which tastes better?” is strictly opinion, I’m going to go another route and focus on the versatility of each dish; and even if you buy different varieties, let’s face it, Chef Boyardee is more or less going to taste exactly the same. Kraft Dinner, on the other hand, is at your will to shape its taste however you please. If you want to add some ketchup, mustard, relish, hot sauce, soy sauce, cut-up hotdog, mayonnaise, barbeque sauce, ranch dressing, or salsa to your plate, you can conjure up different exotic tastes from the same box time and time again. Plus, Kraft Dinner comes in many different selections of pasta shapes and different selections of cheese, while Chef Boyardee either comes with pasta or with pasta and beef. Chef Boyardee is reeling and Kraft Dinner has pulled into the lead!

You are Canadian, aren’t you? Eat your Kraft Dinner.

There you have it. Kraft Dinner shows some incredible guts to come back from a 2-0 deficit to win it all in the hobo-dinner showdown. While the main difference between the two is simply a matter of how much preparation and time you want to put into making your food, we all know that you’ll make the right, nationalistic choice. Sorry Chef, but we have to make our hobo forefathers proud.