Alternegy!
10 future fuel failures
SHAWNA SWEENEY
As the global supply of fossil fuel dwindles and slowly disappears, scientists are working desperately to develop alternative energy sources that can meet the demands of modern life. Wind, solar, and hydroelectric technologies are emerging at fantastic speed even as advances in ethanol and bio-fuel gain wide support. Unfortunately, along the road to any great success is the burning wreckage of many failures. Here are 10 alternative energy ideas that will never take off.
1. Global Warming (Solar Power) — Based on the belief that solar energy efficiency will increase in tandem with radiation from the sun, global warming is allowed to progress unchecked. The theory is proven effective, but everyone died of radiation exposure before they can take advantage of thousands of years of free energy.
2. Text Messaging (Phone Power) — Determined to capitalize on the manic motions of millions of texting teenagers, scientists begin research on a device that will focus the frantic communication power of fists and fingers. They are partially successful and develop a phone that recharges through text messaging, but consumer groups ban the technology when it is proven to generate unsafe levels of static electricity and promote finger cancer.
3. Cow Power — In an attempt to harness the methane output of farting cows, a special ass-mask is developed to capture and convert the gas into usable energy. Sadly scientists fail to consider animal psychology and the project backfires when the chafing cows go crazy and began beating their rears against the wall. PETA intervenes and cow power fails.
4. Chocolate Waterfall (Chocolate Power) — After years of watching Niagara Falls, a chocolatier in St. Catherines develops a hydroelectric device to capture the energy from his private chocolate waterfall. While the invention could have powered confectionary factories worldwide, it is tragically destroyed when a large boy falls in the chocolate river and gets stuck in the distribution tubes.
5. Pee Power — Theorizing that the full energy potential of urine remains unexplored and unexploited, scientists score a major victory for mankind by building a car that runs entirely on pee power. Unfortunately, the general public is so disgusted that they reject the technology and go back to peeing in the bathroom instead of the driveway.
6. Nuclear Power — Designed to produce enormous amounts of energy but capable of killing everything in a 100-mile radius, nuclear power is equally useful as an energy source and deadly weapon. Policy-makers fail to take this into account when building new nuclear plants and accidentally blow up British Columbia. The population is appalled and nuclear power is eventually banned.
7. Squirrel Wheel (Squirrel Power) — Postulating that hungry squirrels will chase acorns until they drop dead, scientists design a modified engine wheel to trap the little fellows into slavery. Unfortunately, the squirrels developed super strength from endless hours of exercise and claw their way to freedom.
8. Lap Swimming (Pool Power) — In a combined effort to increase public health and energy supply simultaneously, a special suit of energy-storing diodes is developed for lap swimmers. The idea fails to catch on when a string of electrocutions torpedoes the project.
9. Bitumen Mining (Tar Power) — While invasive strip mining and caustic chemical refining allow for the excavation of tar sands, public outcry grows deafening when the entire water supply of Alberta turns black. The Canadian government suddenly reverses their position on the resource and sends their deepest apologies to China.
10. Mentos and Diet Coke (Pop Power) — After reviewing a dozen YouTube.com videos of mischievous lads and their Mentos blowing up bottles of Diet Coke to thundering ’80s anthems, scientists begin experimenting with the toxic combination to see if it can solve the energy crisis. While the results are somewhat disappointing, they do gain wild popularity on MySpace.com for explosive video montages.
