10 MADE-UP REASONS TO HATE MAJOR CORPORATIONS

SHAWNA SWEENEY

In an era of widespread corruption and corporate thievery it is difficult to maintain shock and outrage over every sordid business scandal. Heart-breaking stories of lost jobs and lost pensions and lost dreams flood networks and newspapers and it becomes necessary to tune out all dangers to human health and well-being in order to maintain sanity.

But there are some scandals that catch and hold your attention. Train wrecks so mangled that you cannot look away. Situations that demand prime time focus. Here are 10 potential scandals that would have you riveted to the news and running scared from consumer culture.

Starbucks — A destructive civil war breaks out in Colombia and angry insurgents set acres of coffee fields on fire to disrupt the national economy. Starbucks is forced to increase prices by 500 per cent and quickly loses market share. They change the company slogan to Fuel For Your Body! because suddenly their coffee is more expensive than gas.

Apple — Banking on the popularity of his iFamily, Steve Jobs releases iOwnU, a device the size of a credit card that combines the power of the iBook with the mobility of the iPhone and the musical enjoyment of the iPod. His evil scheme ends in disaster when a seven-year-old electronics prodigy in Alberta hacks the code and discovers tiny GPS receivers and audio uplinks in every unit. Apple rots slowly from the inside as Steve Jobs’ maniacal plans for world domination are revealed to the public.

McDonald’s — During a children’s cancer benefit, Ronald McDonald experiences a tragic wardrobe malfunction that causes his shaggy red wig to fly off and blind a small child. Dozens of parents sue for emotional trauma and win over a billion dollars in the largest class action suit ever involving a costumed corporate icon. McDonald’s is forced to pay up and permanently changes their brand name to McBroke.

Wal-Mart — After decades of unionbusting, Wal-Mart workers in Quebec finally rise up and occupy every store in the province. Following weeks of bloody confrontation and stalled negotiation, Wal-Mart agrees to offer a 10 cent raise, fewer beatings and a commemorative set of smiley face buttons to each employee.

MTV — Citing poor ratings for hip hop and emo videos, MTV changes their name to RealTV, the first network to air reality programming 24 hours a day. Musically frustrated viewers are forced to watch VH1 for the two hours per day that they still show videos.

General Mills — The slogan “Cuckoo For Cocoa Puffs” takes on a haunting new meaning when a scientific study of breakfast cereals links Cocoa Puffs to early onset of Alzheimer’s. General Mills quickly apologizes and yanks millions of boxes of the toxic chocolate time bombs off the market before declaring bankruptcy.

MySpace — Tom from MySpace publicly admits that his entire social networking empire was a ruse to compile crucial demographic information on teens and 20-somethings. He secretly shares his findings with governments and public relations firms worldwide before Rupert Murdoch has him mysteriously assassinated.

Pepsi — When a crackerjack team of high school students perform a cutting-edge science fair experiment on the dental health effects of major soda brands, Pepsi files an injunction to have the results permanently sealed. The students fight through years of court to make their voices heard, but no one seems surprised when they win and report that sugar water rots teeth faster than regular water. Each student also receives $20 in Mountain Dew merchandise and an offer from RealTV to live in the Pepsi Mansion.

Nike — Nike becomes the focus of enormous global scrutiny when student activist groups worldwide organize Spring Break: China to picket Nike sweatshops. The media circus spirals out of control when major networks show damaging footage of 10,000 protesters waving signs reading “Shut Down the Sweatshops!” and chanting, “Just do it!” Nike eventually caves to consumer pressure, just does it and becomes the first company to guarantee sweatshop-free shoes.

Moosehead — When a disgruntled former employee takes several brewing formulas public, Moosehead is forced to admit that their beer is actually brewed in real moose heads. Students across the country are not surprised at all and continue buying their beer because it’s still ridiculously cheap.