Stickin' it to the man!
Why pay for stuff when you can get it for free?
MICHAEL SILICZ, STAFF
The cost of attending university in Canada is astronomical. At U of M: parking: $455.80. Tuition: $(way too much). A $1 bag chips from a vending machine: $1.35. All in all, it’s a wonder why so many of us stop working (and making money) so we can voluntarily subject ourselves to pain and stress for the next eight months. But, luckily, there is one way us students can strike back. And I’m not talking about leaving all those boxes of empty Kraft Dinner in the hallway.
I’m talking about stickin’ it to the man. Gettin’ even. An eye for an eye, so to speak. My friends, the best way to tackle the ever-increasing cost of subjecting ourselves to our education slavery is to get free . . . free stuff that is! For the first few weeks of university, there is no better time than to take advantage of the kindness (or obliviousness) of strangers than by grabbing as much free gear as you can.
To all students, both new and old, I present how you can obtain all sorts of free goods and services from your trusty U of M campus. By following these tips, you will find yourself slowly (well, very slowly) making up for the thousands or tens of thousands of dollars you’ve already given to our university overlords.
School supplies: Do you remember that dreaded day as a child, where your mother would drag you to Wal-Mart to buy smelly markers and other school supplies for the upcoming school year? Boy, do times change. Not only does mom not do that anymore, but worse, there’s no longer a need for smelly markers in university. The first tip anyone must learn at the U of M is that you never, ever need buy school supplies again. Why? Because all you now need are paper, pencils, and pens. And for the first two weeks of school, you will be showered with all the pens and pencils you could ever use. Good places to pick them up include University Centre, St. Paul’s College and any other faculty headquarters. Of course, don’t be a fool and grab only one. Avoid eye contact with those sitting at the hand-out station, and take eight or nine in a giant fistful scoop. Don’t be shy, either! Return four, five or even six times a week to create a stash of pens so great that you will not run out until next September. As for pencils, wait for the biannual poster sale at on the second level of U Center, and then take as many little golf pencils as your heart desires.
This same tactic can be applied to free UMSU agenda books. Obviously, grab three or four of these for their intended purpose of day scheduling. But take a few extra, so as to use them in lieu of those expensive Five Star notebooks, as well as for coasters, paperweights, and frisbees.
Food: The next obvious thing to take care of is that growl in your stomach. Again, UMSU can provide you with a great start to the day for a couple of weeks with their daily pancake breakfast. Go to town on UMSU pancakes. Don’t be skimpy on the expensive maple syrup, either! Remember: stick it to the man!
However, no one can subsist on pancakes alone. That’s where the beauty of the new school year comes in. All those fat cat faculties like pharmacy, engineering and medicine have “welcome back” barbecues all week long. Indulge in them! Simply look up to the sky, head towards the source of the rising smoke, and voila, free meat! Of course, you must act like you’re one of those “new recruits” to these fancy big-wig faculties. If you head to the law barbecue, simply pop your collar and you’ll fit right in. An Asper barbecue tickle your fancy? Just mutter the words, “ plastic cutlery at a barbecue is as useless as unionization in the modern workforce” and no one will know the better. Feeling out of place at that engineering barbecue? Well, if you’re a girl, you’re pretty much out of luck . . . but if you’re a dude, just mention that you have a level 70 Orc Warrior in the World of Warcraft, and you’re gold! All sorts of free food awaits you for the first few weeks of school.
Apparel: I’ve saved the best for last. Tired of that raggedy shirt you’ve been wearing since you finished high school? Well, it’s time to get some awesome U of M gear! For you new students, take note that U of M hoodies are stylish, and the sweatpants are really, really comfy. However, once you find out how much they actually cost, you’ll realize that you’re better off spending your money at the Prada store in Paris. Luckily, your friendly neighbourhood comment editor is here to save the day. Simply walk up to those people offering you the ridiculous looking U of M MasterCards, fill out some clearly erroneous information on the sign-up sheet, and wham, a new shirt! Come back a little later in the day (usually after lunch when there’s a shift change), and repeat. Come back the next day wearing a hat, and do it again! Before you know it, you’ll have a new wardrobe!
Now, with all this wisdom imparted upon you, go out onto campus and grab as much free stuff as you can! Chances are, if you’re still reading this, someone (i.e. me) has already taken most of the good stuff.
