Top 10 back-to-school horrors
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to school . . .
SHAWNA SWEENEY
When making back-to-school plans, most people focus on the positive. Things like reuniting with old friends, decorating new dorm rooms and apartments or getting signed up for that exciting new mixology elective. The fall becomes an idyllic time of reflection and rebirth that allows you to start all over again with new goals and dreams.
These gentle dreams, however, can quickly become nightmares. Events are sometimes set into motion that are far beyond your control or comprehension. Things so heinous that you are afraid to tell your friends and family. But don’t worry. The year is long and memory is short. Even if one of these ten terrible things happen to you, it’s always possible to bounce back and keep living the dream.
10. MOVING MAYHEM While the budget moving van you rented seemed like a wise financial decision and sputtered all the way to campus on a wish and a prayer, it totally crapped out in the commuter lot. Unable to raise cash for another ride, you are forced to go panhandling for friends who will help move your furniture and personal effects all the way across campus on foot.
9. CRAZY ROOMMATE When your new roommate showed up, you planned to bond your way straight to BFF. But as they unpack it becomes obvious that this is impossible. You might have been able to overlook the autographed Anne Rice collection, the black curtains and the smell of burning sage. But after Boris the pet piranha takes a bite out of your hand, you have to ask for a room transfer.
8. DISFIGURING INJURY Although your friends assured you it was safe to do an inverted keg stand over that big pile of sharp rocks, they were unfortunately far too drunk to give good advice. Your first eight weeks will involve hobbling around with a full-body cast, conspicuous feeding tube and embarrassing colostomy bag.
7. WARDROBE ISSUES You spent hours planning out your entire ensemble for the first day of class. You think it’s hip and modern with a touch of attitude, so you walk out into the world ready to knock ‘em dead. Then you get to class. And your professor is wearing the exact same hip and modern outfit that you are. With a lot of extra attitude. The other kids will only point and stare. The professor will hate you from that day on.
6. MISSING MONEY All the right letters came in the mail saying that cash was waiting for you at school. But when you arrive, nobody knows your name. You beg and plead and show ID. Twisted faces direct you to long, long lines to fill out endless heartbreaking forms. You eventually go partially blind and end up living out of your car and begging for food behind Taco Bell.
5. KILLER RESIDENCE BATHROOM You thought you were too cool for rubber shoes, but your mistake becomes bitterly clear when flesh-eating sores appear on your feet after a visit to the bathroom. Mommy told you to pack shower shoes, but you would not listen. Her words echo sickly through your mind as the blisters and pus spread further up your legs and makes the nurses cry.
4. POOR PACKING In the rush of marathon moving and registration and partying, you neglect to actually unpack. When you go finally go clawing through your boxes to find clothes and school supplies, you realize you only have one pair of underwear, 16 shirts and a mismatched sock.Where are the pens? The notebooks? The pants? You are forced to skip the first day and go shopping.
3. PETTY THEFT You thought your bike chain was bum-proof, but realize you thought wrong when a mysterious hobo drifts through campus and rips it off. Getting up for class to realize that your bike is gone is pretty lame. But having to sprint a last-minute kilometre to the bus stop is even lamer.
2. FOOD POISONING Everyone warned you about the mystery meat in the cafeteria, but your buddy convinced you to eat it anyway. The deadly nature of the double dog dare becomes impossible to ignore when lunch starts coming out of both ends.
1. POISON GAS You drift easily into sleep on velvet dreams of your first day, but are rudely awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. You open your eyes and see huge clouds of foul green smoke. You panic and run out the door, but pass out cold from the fumes. Kindly fireman manage to rescue you from the building, but you spend the rest of the semester in.
