Lowered expectations

Reap, but don’t sow

NICK MACMAHON, STAFF

Upon reflection, last year’s results were hopeless. Our GPA’s have been lowered and we can’t help but turn to Mr. Miyagi (Karate Kid’s mentor) for advice, allowing him to scold us with his bad Japanese accent, “You must cultivate discipline!” Quite frankly, I never liked Mr. Miyagi or his highly unreliable mosquito catching methods. What if Ralph Macchio rejected sensei’s approach? Maybe his straight-to-video Beer League would have been his career low, rather than his one accolade since his glory days during the decade of decadence. In an age where an undergraduate degree is as good as a half-eaten Subway stamp card, we can learn from little Ralph and the illusion of discipline. Who’s ready to start winning?

When we lower our standards, that’s when the magic happens. Don’t listen to that bullshit about studying one hour for every hour of lectures. Skim your notes from time to time, read one page of the assigned reading and you can quickly get back to more pressing matters: the nature of reality and whether or not war is justified by Jesus’ rampage on the moneylenders in the temple back in the early ’0s. According to Dr. David D. Burns’ bestseller Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy, he encourages a “dare to be average” mentality rather than perfectionism. If you set the bar lower for yourself, you’ll continually ward off apathy and depression because of your constant “kick-assness.” Mommy asks you to take out the garbage? “I can always take out the recycling bin — not as heavy, less likely to break a sweat.” Then, you can reward yourself with a Big Mac, a cigarette, an abusive insult or a threatening non-verbal gesture to a sibling . . . whatever your indulgence may be. You earned it, my friend. Ideally, by this point you’ll be feeling so good about yourself that you’ll ride that wave of motivation. Heading back into the garage, you’ll use proper the bending technique (safety first) to pick up that heavy box of old Star Wars action figures that you meant to sell on eBay to scrounge together $300 — the winning bid for a faulty iPhone that came in a box with the word “FRAJILE” scribbled across.

Go easy on yourself. You won’t boost your GPA with hard work. Just ask mind-body medicine expert Dr. Deepak Chopra, as he similarly describes his law of least effort. For example, if you want to become enlightened by purchasing his latest book: take a 10-dollar bill out of your pocket; immediately reward yourself by taking out a twenty, winking back at the image of our animated sexy queen in her prime; then make your way to the cash register discreetly hiding your copy of The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success under a book on advanced political theory, saving your face.

By the end of the year, you may get a C in that GPA booster course. If not? Yes, that’s right, you should reward yourself by utilizing the university’s free counseling services, in which they’ll probably recommend Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy. Not