Warning: Do ‘not’ try this at home

Trying these ‘obviously fictional’ activities could result in dire consequences, or vastly improved grades!

MICHAEL SILICZ

Let’s all face the obvious: university is difficult. To graduate with your bachelor’s degree requires a stupefying amount of hard work. And the only way to earn it is through good old-fashioned hard work.

However, not everybody has the time, and much more importantly, not everyone wants to give the effort required to do this. Hence, below for your convenience is a list of things that no one should ever dare attempt during their tenure at university. Quite simply, outlined below are strategies that no one should ever attempt. So, please, whatever you do . . . do “not” try any of these strategies to boost your GPA!

Do “not” take easy courses! Instead, challenge yourself! Why would you want to earn an A+ with very little work, time or effort in such classes as *cough* Sport Psychology, Computer Usage I and II, Applied Finite Math, Behaviour Modification, Intro to Recreation and Leisure, and Intro to Travel and Leisure *cough*? Especially when you can take a difficult course, work harder, and get lousier grades? Therefore, do “not” take them! (Seriously though, literally do not take Intro to U1, it will screw you over hard! Notice I didn’t quote “not.”)

Do “not” skip class! Who cares if you can get the prof’s notes and PowerPoint presentations online? Simply put, do “not” skip class, ever. Especially if you’re going to go drink, play arcades or go to the beach on one of the last few Fridays of the summer we have left.

Do “not” exploit distance education courses! Worse yet, there are some ragamuffins out there who have taken this skipping tactic to a new level. Instead of simply skipping class and being punished, they take their courses by “distance ed,” which means there are no classes to attend! Distance ed, clearly intended for those far away from campus, is a system that should “not” be abused to your advantage! Through this conniving method, students avoid the hassle of having to attend classes and write annoying quizzes, instead only needing to write the required exams and/or few hand-in projects. On a side note, feel free to pick up your free Distance Ed course catalog right near the Frank Kennedy Gym or find them online at www.umanitoba.ca/distance/.

Do “not” choose your profs through ratemyprofessors.com! If you are taking a course offered in multiple slots (especially intro courses), do “not” go to ratemyprofessors.com and select your professor based on their easiness rating! (Also, do “not” select them on their hotness rating either, you creeper.)

Do “not” copy off of someone else! With one professor monitoring a hall of up to 300 students, do you think that professor is just going to sit there, reading a book and/or sleeping, not paying attention to you students? It would be extremely unwise for an unscrupulous individual to copy off another student’s paper, especially since professors (and especially those vigilant TAs) are watching us like hawks. Therefore, do “not” figure out who the smart kids are, befriend them, and then copy their answers during a test.

Do “not” write notes in secret places! These methods were ingenious in high school, but here in the big leagues, there’s no place for them. For example, do “not” write down answers on the brim of your hat. Or on your calf that is conveniently covered by your jeans. Or your belt. Definitely do “not” store formulae and notes in your trusty TI83 calculator’s memory. And last, but definitely not least, do “not” put two pieces of paper on top of each other, press down really hard on the top one as you write down secret notes, and then carry that blank piece of paper into the exam as “scrap” paper on which you can conveniently still read the hard-etched markings on from the paper above. Yes, do “not” ever try any of this tomfoolery.

Do “not” sneak in old exam books. Sweet Jebus, please do “not” try this one. To begin, you must suffer through your first U of M exam. Once inside the exam room, stock up on 10 or so trusty blue and white exam answer books, and take them to your seat. Write your exam. When you leave, be sure to bring those extra eight or so exam books out with you. Alternatively, you could try to sweet-talk a TA and get a few extra, too. Then, before your next exam, simply write down any cheat notes or prefabricated answers, and sneak an official exam book in! No one will know the better!

With these clearly fictitious examples of skullduggery in mind, remember Denzel Washington’s wisdom from Training Day: “it’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.” So, if you’re ever caught cheating using these ingenious methods, just remember that I told you “not” to do any of these things!