Letters to songwriters
Some musical notes
BEN POGGEMILLER
To: Huey Lewis
From: A concerned square
Dear Mr. Lewis,
I am writing in response to your song “Hip to be Square.” We squares are more than just polygons with four right angles, four equal sides and parallel opposite sides. While we are not disputing our hipness, the method you employ in proving it is flawed. It is unfair that you project your own personality onto our vibrant culture.
Lumping squares into one category is narrow-minded and shows a lack of insight. There are many unruly squares, even “renegade squares.” We also find “bands in business suits” rather contrived; and six out of every 10 squares do not even own a TV, a statistic you probably didn’t even bother to research. We also have no dietary concerns to speak of, so if you “watch what you eat,” that’s your business, not ours.
Is the line “and those that were the farthest out have gone the other way,” supposed to be some kind of joke? Is it because we came from a mathematical definition? We understand that squares are closed polygons, incapable of reaching the infinitude of lines, but our deficiencies are not something to be mocked. It’s bad enough that our area is the first mathematical formula a child learns, but now we have to put up with mathematical discrimination from you, Mr. Lewis.
We ask that you, Mr. Lewis and the rest of the News, stop performing “Hip to be Square,” and refrain from writing about any other polygons, whether they be triangles, parallelograms or dodecagons. If you feel you must identify with some sort of mathematical term, try creating your own vector equation, so you don’t have to leech off of an already established shape.
Sincerely,
A concerned square
To: Foreigner
From: Dr. Linda Fenkhousen M.D.
As you may or may not know, the average body temperature should be around 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. A temperature of 103 is dangerously high, and being “hot blooded” is nothing to boast about. I understand that you’re infatuated with someone in particular, but it might not be possible for such a person to know what you “have in mind,” since a high-degree fever can leave the sufferer prone to delirium and in extreme cases, hallucination.
Activity with a fever of 103 is strongly discouraged and “secret rendezvous’” should be avoided at all costs. Also, it’s surprising that you’re dancing at all, let alone desiring to “do more” than dancing, whatever that may entail.
Many people can tolerate a fever for a short period of time, but if this problem has been evident for longer than a few days, I highly recommend that you consult a physician. Did you meet your prospective lover in another country? The name “Foreigner” indicates that you probably do a lot of traveling, so you may have incidentally picked up some sort of viral infection or disease.
It’s possible that you are simply using hyperbole to illustrate your lust for someone, but that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. I’d hate to dull the romance. You see, we doctors are extremely busy and it is outright infuriating to have people waltz into our offices, expecting cures for all sorts of things that could have been prevented had they simply not been so negligent. I urge you to please consult your local physician. Please do not respond to this letter, as I am very busy with Robert Palmer, who seems to have a bad case of loving me.
Dr. Linda Fenkhousen
