Jeremy Irons . . . Jeremy’s iron
Anagrams reveal the Manitoban’s secret conspiracy, the truth about politics and the meaning of life
I breathe smiles (Melissa Hiebert)
Allegedly, King Louis XIII of France enjoyed anagrams so much that employed his own royal anagrammatist. That is a trivial Internet fact that may or may not be true, but it seemed like an amazing career choice to me (definitely a better career choice than that BA I was pursuing, anyway), so I thought I’d try my hand at it. OK, fine, by “try my hand at it” I mean, “type random words into a computer anagram-generator and see what came out of it.” Regardless, here’s what insight the arbitrary re-arranging of letters had to offer.
The hidden agenda of the Manitoban staff, and where readers of the Manitoban fall on the evolutionary timeline:
The Manitoban newspaper = Brainwash potent ape-men.
What the headline should have read when a certain culture editor, in an attempt to be “funny and clever” (by his own admission), pasted a weather column over top of my sex column:
Evan Johnson, culture editor = valour rejects hot innuendo.
My anagramical revenge. (Or, how former culture editor passive-aggressively takes out pent-up resentment due to feelings of inadequacy on current culture editor by the creation of un-flattering anagrams):
Evan Johnson, culture editor = trenchant, odorous juvenile.
A summary of global politics:
- American politics = capitalism in core.
- Canadian politics = as placid inaction.
- French politics = prolific stench.
- German politics = liars competing.
- Cuban politics = public actions.
- Israeli politics = it is social peril.
- Pakistani politics = is sick palpitation.
- African politics = is fictional crap.
True by definition:
Republican candidates = drab, pedantic lunacies.
The future of humanity: optimistic hope for change, or meaningless pursuit of steaming donkey feces?
Human nature = a humane turn?
Or, human nature = a manure hunt.
The hidden subconscious of Goethe:
Besser laufen, als faulen (better to run than to rot) = unsealable fear
That’s it, I’m switching majors:
Melissa Hiebert, philosopher =
- Is the miserable philosopher.
- A boorish, sheepish, ill temper.
- I’m this horrible, hopeless ape.
- Habits imperil hopeless hero.
- The boorish healer pimps lies.
Yes, this means you, all you conformist sheep that don’t run Linux:
- Microsoft windows = I’d wow conformists
- Hidden blasphemy revealed by anagrams:
- The Ten Commandments = comments that end men.
- Jesus Christ = such jest, sir.
- God created man . . . = (. . . to damned grace.)
Nihilism at its finest:
The meaning of life = the fine game of nil.
Three “summary” anagrams I pulled off the Internet but that were too amazing not to include. (Which make my anagrams appear lacklustre and incredibly amateur, but really, what kind of loser sits around all day working out anagrams anyway?):
“Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns, driven time and again off course, once he had plundered the hallowed heights of Troy.” (Homer’s Odyssey) = “Hurrying home to his wife, Odysseus shoved off, fled the sea god’s wrath, endured many moments of mistreatment, then landed on southern Ithaca . . . a long epic!”
“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on the shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.” (Herman Melville’s Moby Dick) = “To relocate on a whaling ship for months did not seem deadly or nightmarish to me. Then, the wily nut Ahab (our captain with one leg) imperilled our entire voyage, attempting carelessly to lure a monstrous, lone, silvery whale.”
“To be or not to be: that is the question, whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.”(Shakespeare’s Hamlet) = “In one of the Bard’s best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.”
