Al Gore loves Alphagetti and hates Mike

Mike hates your kids

Chelse McKee, Staff

I have no idea why I’m wasting my time on this debate. The results of a battle between Alphagetti and Zoodles would hardly be ground-breaking or revolutionary. Oh, I’m not cynical; I’m realistic because there’s just no debate here.

Alphagetti is clearly the best choice, and Mike Silicz is clearly a goober for thinking anything else.

Alphagetti promotes literacy. You can’t really beat that. Even on the can, the company says that the noodles “spell fun.” I bet the children didn’t even know how to spell “fun” and now they’re getting smarter by the spoonful. Every letter of the alphabet is in that can, along with the potential to know every word in the English dictionary. Alphagetti is an integral part of a literate society, a stepping stone for children to become valuable members of the human race.

Zoodles could only wish to be that influential. Jackasses.

Zoodles are pathetic, little, limp noodles that are almost always broken when you put them in your spoon. They’re far too thick so little grandmas can’t fit their dentures around them. Zoodles hate old people. Mike Silicz, by association, hates old people. Do you hate old people? Think about it when you make your next canned-pasta selection.

Zoodles can be kind of pornographic, too. The wrong spoonful can bring about a slew of questions, like “Mommy, why is that elephant’s trunk doing that to the giraffe?” You don’t really have that issue with Alphagetti. Or, take the example: “Mommy, what does this say? I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U?” This is a sweet moment completely free of premature sexual discussion with a three-year-old. A child should never be subjected to animals having sex until they’re ready.

Zoodles are promoting the needless slaughter of animals by children. That’s a double negative, and not in the grammatical sense. (I should know; I’m not only an editor but I ate Alphagetti regularly as a child, so I’m very literate.) I mean double negative in the sense of “Wow, that’s not one negative thing happening — that’s double the negativity.” Why should an innocent child be subjected to grinding down on thousands of helpless animals? That’s disgusting. Children still love animals at that age, and we’re asking them to destroy them. We’re forcing them to grow up into destructive people who don’t care about anything. The people today who destroy the environment ate Zoodles as children. Further, it’s a proven fact that Charles Manson ate Zoodles before he sent his people off the Tate house.

Al Gore, however, loves Alphagetti. Gore, former United States vice-president and co-founder of “the Internet,” said in a recent interview that Alphagetti is a “wholesome and nutritious lunch which is a successful addition to President George Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ plan . . . and Michael Silicz hates children and old people.” Well done, Al Gore, you bested the idiots again!

Putting aside the politics of Alphagetti, I’ll get down to the taste. They are delicious and perfect for even the picky eater. The sauce is plain but yummy, with just a bit of cheddar cheese added to the recipe. As well, they’re the classic lunch, like chicken noodle soup. You can have them with toast, crackers, more cheese and friends.

I don’t think I need to argue any further that Alphagetti is far superior to Zoodles. It is delicious, wholesome and educational. So the decision put forth before you, reader.

Do you like crazy murders and killing defenseless animals, or do you like the earth, your sweet ol’ grandma and your future kids? M-A-K-E T-H-E R-I-G-H-T C-H-O-I-C-E.

Chelse McKee is the wisest person in this debate and one of the news editors at the Manitoban.