Passion of the cruise
Matthew Abra, volunteer staff
For the past couple of years, some leaders of the “religion” have claimed that Tom Cruise is the Jesus Christ of Scientology. I suppose it’s a fair comparison — he is high profile, he preaches a lot, and he attempts things that we would categorize as an impossible mission.
So, if in two thousand years Cruise is in fact looked back on as the same type of walked-on-water saviour that Christ is today, I wonder what our interpretation of his reign will look like to the people living in that time. Here, then, is a brief version of the “Cruise Gospels,” according to Matt.
Exodus
In the beginning, Hubbard created the battlefield and the Earth; but the Earth was without battle, and void. And then, born on the fourth of July, Tom Cruise entered the world and was greeted by a doctor who remained silent. And Tom said, “Let there be sound.”
Equipped with all the right moves, Tom was a symbol for sex and prosperity; and soon a legion of some of the last Samurai was following him. Tom attempted to lead them away from tyranny and into the desert but was thwarted by his brother Raymond, who claimed Tom to be “very bad, very bad.” So, Tom swept into the city and took the breath away from all the children and their hot mothers.
Raymond gave Tom permission to leave with the Samurai, and soon they were wandering the desert, helplessly fighting the sand and the days of thunder. But the thunder was Hubbard, and he spoke to Tom and told him to come out of the closet. And Tom climbed the mountain and said, “Let there be science.”
The sky
Tom flew into the sky and started a fight. He greeted his foe as an inverted prey and flipped him the bird. And Tom said, “Let there be fight.” And thus, war was created.
A series of death-ray shooting tripods descended from the sky, and Tom fled with his children, the products of yet another divorce. War engulfed the planet, and Tom said to Hubbard, “Bring forth our saving grace.” And Hubbard overwhelmed the Earth with a great flood of bacteria, and the tripods stopped. Tom was the saviour.
The last talk show
Tom walked the globe, jumping from helicopters and spreading his glory upon all those who would listen. Tom said to Brooke, “Thou shall not take anti-depressants.” Brooke said, “But you are a man of science, and I have a chemical imbalance.” And there were apologies.
At the last talk show before his downfall, Tom broke the hands of Oprah, mistaking them for bread. He confessed his love for the prostitute Katie, a victim of his divine influence. Tom said, “Thou shall complete me.” And Katie said, “Show me the money.” And Tom did.
In the end, Tom became crucified by the media, yet his exposure was eventually stabbed by a spear. The spear was Britney Spears, and Tom’s reign as public fodder came to an end. And Tom said, “But she is a virgin.” And Justin said, “Don’t believe everything a woman tells you.”
There you have it. Let’s see if people believe this in another two millennia simply because I wrote it down.
