The Cadbury Creme Egg climax of chocolatey ecstasy!
Soooooo gooey it gushes everywhere.
Michael Silicz, Staff
When it comes to this week’s masterdebate, I am not going to beat around the bush. The simple fact of the matter is that Cadbury Creme Eggs outperform their Mini Egg counterparts in every statistical category and qualitative analysis possible. Where should I even begin?
Cadbury Creme Eggs are the mature person’s choice, created for those consenting adults with a developed palate and a curiosity for life’s pleasures. Savouring a Creme Egg is a sensual affair that requires a labour of love. For, as everyone knows, Cadbury Creme Eggs have a taste that requires a slow, seductive and satisfying eat. Let’s go through the gratifying process.
First, there is the initial “unwrap” stage. One begins the romance by delicately, in a playfully sensual manner, peeling away the thin tin foil sheath hiding the prized egg. The person is then immediately engrossed in a pleasant aroma of chocolate and sugar, which is only a tease of what is about to come.
Next, with the foil seductively stripped away, the real intimate pleasure begins. A tantalizing layer of rich, creamy milk chocolate coats the succulent essence of the egg. In a feast for the eyes, the luscious and soft eggshell is intricately decorated with an aesthetically pleasing design. Bold, chiselled and defined lines wrap around the entire egg’s body, highlighting the beautiful large cross found at the center of the egg. Pause, take a deep breath, and enjoy the beauty with your senses of sight and touch. It is an annoying social custom that this intimate stage must linger on for a few minutes longer than it should naturally last; but go with it, in the end, you will be richly rewarded by the Creme Egg.
Once you get past the splendor of the egg’s shell, you then discover that the true heart of the Cadbury Creme Egg is found on the inside. For once you slowly strip away the chocolatey coating with your teeth, your tongue is then rewarded with the real titillating bounty — a thick, moist, juicy and delectable combination of white, gooey, sugary goodness! And to top it all off, the sensuous flowing of the egg’s juices culminate when the white layer of icing sugar is licked and sucked away to reveal the true inner essence of the egg — the flowering of the orange sugary centre! Mmm-mmm!
Compare this with the solo and lacklustre experience you receives from a package of Cadbury Mini Eggs. To begin, the Mini Egg mentality has always been quantity over quality. This is apparent when you receive more net weight of candy, as well as a greater overall amount of Mini Eggs. Unfortunately, more does not equate to better. Further, the Cadbury Mini Egg bag is visually unpleasing to the human eye, while the eggs themselves are ugly, unattractive and full of vulgar brown freckles. Often times, Mini Eggs are prematurely eviscerated, causing an embarrassing situation in which you have to stop eating because the Mini Eggs are too crushed to eat. The shells of the Mini Eggs are hard and unforgiving. Worse, in the right circumstance, the shells can become jagged fragments in your mouth, causing sharp spasms of pain to your gums when chewing. And finally, when it comes down to the culminating moment of climax that defines the worthiness of the candy — its taste — the Mini Egg inevitably leaves you wanting more, sometimes even causing the eater to fake the sensation of a good taste.
So, next time you’re in the mood for something a little more amorous than a quickie eating experience one gets from Cadbury Mini Eggs, then choose the delectably promiscuous Cadbury Creme Egg — the grown adult’s choice. I promise you will not be disappointed!
Michael Silicz is the comment editor of the Manitoban and a student of political studies and law.
