Oh Jesus, you gotta try these eggs!

It’s like a mouthful of happy.

Chelse McKee, staff

That wonderful time of year with Easter and Mini Eggs is nearing us again. Although Jesus can rise from death as much as he wants, other things should just stay dead. Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about: the snot-filled oval poop otherwise known as the creme-filled egg.

What a disgusting idea! Who’s the genius that decided to interrupt a good chocolate-sucking moment by sticking an overly sweet, sugar mixture in the centre? Who? When a box of chocolates is offered to a group of people, I have watched, time and time again, people rushing to grab the only solid chocolate option. That’s because everyone despises any chocolate filling. Choosing the one with filling is like marrying the ugly guy you turned down five years ago. You’re settling for what’s left, the Creme Egg.

And I’m here to tell you that you’re better than that. You’re wonderful, sexy people; you don’t need to settle for one Creme Egg or any Creme Eggs at all. Not when you have the Mini Eggs. They are the candy of confident, hot people, and that’s what you are, right? Sexy? Hot? Oh yes, you are. I can feel it.Roar.

Mini Eggs have the wonderful little shells that not only protect your hand from oozing chocolate but make you pace the pleasure of the chocolate so that the full awesomeness of the candy can be absorbed. Mini Eggs give you the option to crunch or suck. (Yes, I know I used this argument for Smarties too, but still applicable.) Creme Eggs are too big to be sucked, and, once you get to the centre, you really just have to lick to avoid the snot from getting on you.

For starters, there are more of the Mini Eggs. I have had a couple bags of them since beginning this article, and each time there have been around 17 little chocolate wonders. I can’t recall how many one gets with Creme Eggs. Oh, that’s right. One. You get one. Score for Mini Eggs.

Mini Eggs were made for sharing. Creme Eggs are hard to share because, like I so aptly proved, there’s only one. For example, if you’re sitting around with a group of friends, you have a choice of pulling out one of two snacks: Mini Eggs or Creme Eggs. If you choose the latter, then your friends are going to be staring at you with hopeful eyes wishing they could have a bite. How could that be remedied? Well, by not being an idiot and bringing Mini Eggs to begin with. You toss one in their hands, and everybody’s happy.

How can Creme Eggs even be considered a dessert for the religious holiday of Easter? They are so un-Jesus, un-Allah, un-Abraham — whomever-you-praise-like. I mean, have you watched someone eat one of those eggs? It looks like their performing a sex act that I can’t possibly name in the upstanding pages of the Mani — cunnilingus! Oh my. Where did that come from? Well, now that it’s been said, yes, it resembles oral sex. You stick your tongue in the egg,swirl it about, and all that yucky not-for-the-public business.

The gods cry for your soul every time you eat one. Why do you hate Jesus, Allah, Abraham, or whomever? I mean, yeah, what do their opinions matters? I mean they just gave you life. Oh wait, I get it. You hate yourself and now you hate living. Wow, writing this has really opened my eyes to people who eat Creme Eggs.

You know who else didn’t like themselves? Hitler. If he were alive today, he’d probably like Creme Eggs. I mean, each chocolate egg is like killing a little chocolate chick; and you know who probably liked to kill babies? Hitler. That’s right. When you eat a chocolate Creme Egg with that fake sugar yolk, you’re saying “Yes” to Nazism.

Even if you don’t love Jesus, love yourself and put down the Creme Egg. Mini Eggs want to love you and show you how sexy you are. Just let them.

Chelse McKee is a news editor at the Manitoban.