Surface vs. Substance
A Simple Desultory Philippic
Ben Poggemiller Staff
Q: How do you get things done in a bureaucratic society?
A: Don’t tell anyone what you’re doing.
Here is the story according to the Globe and Mail: The Pantheon, a French national monument and memorial in the Latin Quarter of Paris, has not had a functioning clock in over 40 years. The 19th-century clock needed refurbishing, but budget problems and the usual rigmarole employed by countless workers across the world to get out of work prevented its repair. In late 2005, a group of intrepid individuals took action. For nearly a year, they snuck into the Pantheon every night and cleaned and refurbished the parts under the supervision of a trained clockmaker to make the clock work again. When they alerted the building administrator that the clock was in working order, they were put before a judge on charges of damaging government property. Thankfully, the case was thrown out, but the clock is still perpetually stuck at 10:49.
The people who fixed the clock call themselves the Untergunther and it is a sect of a larger organization called the UX, which is still functioning, despite efforts by police to track them. According to the Globe and Mail, Untergunther has devoted its time to other secret restoration projects, while other sects of the UX like The Mexican Perforation, built a functioning cinema theatre underground which was discovered by police.
While its activities are illegal, the UX is like Fight Club, only constructive. My perception may be skewed by my what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up drawings of Batman in Mrs. Lazaruk’s Grade 1 class, which reflect my natural attraction to anyone who roams the streets at night under an alter-ego and performs good deeds where the system will not. Batman somewhat abides by the legal system, though; that is, his enemies are put on trial and sent to the easily-escapable Arkham Asylum. Untergunther did not, but it’s difficult to be angry with people who devote their time, energy (remember that they still have day jobs) and money towards pride in their city. To quote Hippocrates, they “make a habit of two things — to help, or at least to do no harm.” To quote everyone’s father at family gatherings, there are certain areas where “the government is incompetent.”
To attempt to punish people for helping is like in that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation in which Wesley Crusher is denied from Starfleet Academy for helping and encouraging his competitors on the entrance exam in episode 19, entitled “Coming of Age.” Even though he did end up as a transcendental being later in the series, he was punished for altruism. Fans hated Wesley anyway, and it was with no small amount of satisfaction that we got to see Captain Picard instruct him to “Shut up, Wesley” in the episode entitled “Datalore.” Well, you’ve caught me rambling again. I guess the point is that I must feel pretty strongly about something if I’m going to defend Wesley Crusher.
The stealthy sects of the UX are still largely mysterious to police, which gives rise to the issue of the potential for other, more dangerous organizations to secretly exist. These groups could be like Fight Club, only more destructive. With my glass half full, though, there could be other positive groups out there.
Here are some ideas for other underground groups that could be created right here in Winnipeg:
The staple frustration liberation movement
Have you ever tried to staple documents at work only to find that after a satisfying pump of the Swingline or Bostitch that your papers are as unmarked, unbound and anarchic as ever? Perhaps there could be a group that goes into offices at night and refills all the staplers so that the owners never run out of staples. It would save a lot of time and anger.
Clock-synch purple monkey dishwasher
This group would be a clandestine group of university students who undertake the tedious task of synchronizing the clocks throughout the U of M with accurate time. This way, some professors wouldn’t end late and others wouldn’t start early, causing a mad dash by students from St. Paul’s to University College.
Group three
Whatever these guys do, it’s ultra-secret but it’s for the good of the city. They could be quite productive, although I suggest they come up with a more imaginative name.
There are places other than Paris that are stuck at 10:49.
